The number one question and message I get on here is, “how do I get out of the friend zone?”
It’s a question that is all too familiar now, considering how we now live in a competitive dating world where you’re just one text or swipe away from meeting someone new and don’t really face any consequences from leaving someone on read, blocking them, and swiping left.
We somehow must navigate through harsher and faster-paced dating conditions and sequences that previous generations have never really dealt with before.
The problem is, for the Nice Guys want to stop being Nice Guys and get out of friend zones, their typical slow dating strategies, which include becoming women’s friends and being close enough to win their hearts, are even more outdated and impractical now.
You might have gotten away with these basic dating tactics back in the 1950’s when finding dating opportunities was more demanding and more social-circle oriented.
But obviously, this won’t work for you anymore.
And it’s leaving you exhausted, frustrated, and lost in a dating space that is too quick and ruthless to “next” you for the quicker and more ruthless man.
To help you figure out what you need to work on, here are the tips you need to read carefully to adjust your mindset and find success in today’s dating conditions.
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How to Get Out of the Friend Zone & Stop Being the Nice Guy
What Is the Friend Zone?
A friend zone is a little dark and lonely place someone falls into when they wish to be with someone else but can’t or won’t do so.
It may be because the woman thinks the friend zoned guy is just not good enough as an attractive partner.
It may be because the guy is good but not approaching a woman correctly and presenting himself as a potential dating option immediately.
And it also could be because of other external factors such as incompatibility, bad timing, and other reasons beyond control.
But generally speaking, a friend zone is a place you can get stuck in when you cannot win a particular person over as your partner, yet continue to try harder and please them even more, hoping that one day the other person will finally, magically, and suddenly see you as this attractive person they should have chosen to be with all along.
In this article, we’ll take a look at the typical reasons why Nice guys can’t escape the friend zone–reasons that are within our control.
Why You’re In the Friend Zoned
1. You Listen to What She Says, Not What She Needs
Women like to tell you that they appreciate a man who’s always there for her.
A man who’s going to sacrifice his time and resources to take care of his girl.
A man who’s always attentive, caring, listening, no matter what.
But what women say and what they actually desire aren’t the same thing.
The evidence:
What ends up happening to these extremely kind and available men, after listening to and following what women say carefully, is that they end up tossed and thrown inside the cold and lonely friend zone.
And for who?
For the challenging, dangerous, selfish, and unavailable bad boys who never give the girls what they ask for, but what they desire.
The funny thing is; what bad boys and women desire is the exact same thing. Somehow, these bad boys aren’t really even paying attention to what women need, they just act upon their wishes and this seems to make women invest in these evil evil men.
So what does that mean for you, the man in the friend zone?
Well, first of all, you need to step off the moral high ground every Nice Guy gets stuck on.
If you think you’re better than these evil bad/f*ck boys just because you’ve been willing to put more effort to get the girl to like you, then I have bad news for you:
Your efforts to care, listen, and invest don’t mean anything if she doesn’t see you as a man who is worth having sex with, to begin with.
Because remember that one time you texted your favorite girl at night, as you always do, and she told you about all the great qualities she looks for in a man?
Some of these traits are absolutely false.
What she wants and what she desires in a man are not the same thing, and women always want men who just get it.
You, as a man, need to understand the female mind more than she does if you’re willing to attract high-quality women.
You must leave your old Nice Guy ways behind and come to the dark side. The winning side.
And for you to do that, you first have to not take anything women say too seriously.
You have already done that for far too long and hustled your way backward.
Instead, pay attention to how they act, not what they say.
If you follow their actions and recognize the patterns displayed there, you will know what and how she thinks, more than she will ever understand herself.
When you pay close attention to her reactions and not her words, you’ll see what arouses her and what puts her off.
2. You Think Being Nice & Available Is the Way
If you gather all the friend-zoned men in the world, put them in one place, and start comparing them to look for something in common, you’ll find one glaring trait they all share:
They are too damn nice.
Too pleasing. Too serving. Too available. Too chivalrous. Too safe.
And these traits dry up women faster than the Sahara desert.
To the logical male mind that doesn’t understand female nature, being pleasant, nice, and comforting should make sense.
You show her care and give her safety and she gives you what makes you the happiest–her eternal love and desire. That’s how the Nice Guy brain works.
But that’s not how attraction works at all; it’s not a business transaction.
No matter how many care coins you slot in for her desire, it’s not going to work out, because your methods of presenting yourself as a sexual option through serving her will never work.
Just look at the men who are doing well with women, the ones who have no problem getting dates and getting laid on a regular basis, how do you see these men behaving around women?
When you see a man of value and his committed wife, girlfriend, or even fling, who is usually being the nicer, more caring, more serving, more available, and more willing to please the other?
Who is being more submissive and following the other’s lead, in a typical relationship dynamic?
It’s not rocket science–it’s always the woman who is putting in more work to keep the relationship alive.
The successful man, on the other hand, does genuinely care about her and the relationship, but he is still less invested compared to her.
Sometimes that’s because he is already dating others so he has options. And maybe it’s because he simply has other more important things to worry about, such as his own purpose and work.
Whatever the underlying reason is, because he isn’t as invested into the connection as his girl, he feels that he doesn’t need to be overly nice, submissive, and available to win over his woman.
Even though on paper, he puts less effort into his relationship(s) compared to you, the guy in the friend zone, he still seems to get more out of his girl than you could.
You might think that’s unfair. You might even think it’s evil.
But, again, all you have to do, is look at what’s already working and proven to be successful for other men.
In a nutshell, when it comes to attraction, less is more.
The harder you try, the less she desires you.
The nicer you are, the less nice she is.
The more available you are, the less she respects you.
The more invested you are, the less invested she is.
That doesn’t mean you’re going to have to be an uptight asshole to her, but if you want to figure out how to get out of the friend-zone, you need to get your balance right.
3. You’re Afraid of Her Rejection
Fear of rejection is a strong attraction killer.
When the typical Nice Guy values a girl he wants, he tends to freeze at the idea of flirting with her, asking her out, and doing anything that presents himself as a sexual option.
If you think that some woman’s approval of your friendship is more important than your desire–that showing her your desire would scare her off, then you’ve already lost her.
You become so afraid of rejection that you’re willing to stick around and pretend you’re her friend when that’s not really what you want.
Because if you really were her friend, you would never be reading this.
If she really was your friend, she’d never occupy so much space in your mind as she does now.
Your fear of rejection is killing your chances and she knows it.
Women understand the subtleties of Game. They are more emotionally sensitive than us and are generally better than us at reading between the lines.
So she knows why you choose to take the safe and “friendly” route.
She knows that you’re too afraid of her rejection that you’re willing to downplay your desire towards her and act like it’s nothing.
And so she does the same.
Why would she bother addressing your desires when you can’t do that for yourself?
4. You’re Afraid of Losing Her
If you want to get out of the friend zone and stop being the Nice Guy, you need to learn how to be comfortable with loss.
You need to be extremely okay with losing a woman that she knows it.
And without you having to directly tell her that.
In a more general context, people have more respect for things that can be lost.
When you know you could lose something that’s in demand and scarce, you’ll make sure you try to keep it and see the value in doing so.
This means if you’re not afraid of losing something, you’ll automatically take it for granted. It’s no longer valuable, especially if you can easily find it again and quickly.
If this makes sense to you, and it should, then this should also translate perfectly into romantic relationships.
You are afraid of losing her. She knows that. She takes you for granted.
You are completely fine with losing her. She’ll know that. She’ll at least think twice before letting you go.
Loss Aversion
But you may wonder, “why are Nice Guys so afraid of loss, to begin with?”
Well, since friend-zoned guys usually try so hard to win over women through sheer niceness, they become these hamsters running in wheels.
Putting in work but not really getting anywhere.
They suffer from loss aversion, thinking that–since they have run for so long–it wouldn’t make sense to stop now, otherwise, they’d lose for good.
So they keep running and trying even harder, hoping that suddenly things would make sense to her; that she finally considers his efforts after sticking around for so long.
Women see that and understand what’s going. They know that no matter how fast men run, they’re still stuck in the same place. Still no attraction.
And these women will most likely do nothing about it.
Because women love the attention and love the fact that it’s free of charge.
Why would they bother investing in something that’s already there?
Can You Get Out of the Friend Zone? Is It Permanent?
I’m not going to lie to you.
It’s extremely difficult getting out of the friend zone once you’re in, especially if you have already been there for a while.
It is possible to get out, only if you are perfectly fine with not having her at all.
Even better if you’re willing to explore other options to cure your oneitis and take that shine off of her.
As long as you are purposefully trying to get out of the friend-zone just to win that one girl over, you’ll most likely stay there.
Because when suddenly start acting differently towards a woman who has friend zoned you, she’ll suspect that you’re making changes just to have her.
This will come across as try-hard, childish, and offputting.
But if you start making these changes that we’ll discuss later because you think that, as a man, you are worth more than being a shelved orbiting Nice Guy, you’ll evolve more as a sexual option to women.
Only then you might get out of the current friend zone; when it becomes a byproduct of your newfound understanding of how attraction actually works.
That means you still might not get out of the friend zone because the damage may have already been done thanks to your Nice Guy Ways, but you’ll definitely avoid all future friend zones, which is something even more important than your present frustrations.
So read the following tips objectively and approach the current friend zone you’re in with a mindset that’s independent of outcomes.
How to Get Out of the Friend Zone
1. Be Kind, but Don’t Be Nice
A Nice Guy is what a man becomes when he has nothing else to offer.
Think about the most capable, admired, and respected men you know…
Are they nice all the time?
Are they doormats who can’t say no when they really need to?
Are they submissive and present themselves as servants to those around them?
Nope.
Next set of questions:
Are they capable of being dangerous when they want to be, to protect themselves and their loved ones?
Do they command the respect of others without necessarily asking for it?
Are they comfortable being themselves unapologetically, as long as it doesn’t really hurt others, even if it means losing people they like?
Yes.
Understand the difference between being nice because that’s the only thing you can be out of fear and weakness, and then being kind because you’re strong enough to be kind despite any insecurities and temptations that you may have.
Be kind because you can be otherwise yet still choose to remain so.
That strength within itself makes a huge difference in how you present yourself as a desirable man.
2. Stop Contacting Her All the Time
She’s not going to miss you if you’re texting and calling her all the time.
She’s not going to want to talk to you if you’re already always just there.
She won’t have the curiosity to wonder what you’re up to if you already report to her on a daily basis.
She’s not going to get excited about being with you if you’re already so available that the thought of you being with someone else doesn’t even cross her mind.
If you want to have a shot at getting out of the friend zone and never getting into new ones, you need to give women some space.
Some room to see the difference between having a life with you and another without you.
She needs to feel the lack of your presence, so much that she asks for it.
You need to give her time away for her desire towards you to build up. That desire won’t come in your presence, it will take place when you’re not there.
Her attraction towards you builds when you’re unavailable and have other people to contact and other more important stuff to do.
It’s only when you’re not there is when she starts wondering about you. It’s only when you’re away and occupied is when she appreciates your company, assuming that you are fun to be with, to begin with.
And if none of these happen after a while, then you’re so deep in the friend zone that she doesn’t even care. In this case, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get up and leave.
If you want her to get more attracted to you, then you need to stop texting her too much.
Stop calling her to check on her when she isn’t doing the same for you.
Stop tagging her in Facebook posts when she doesn’t care about returning the favor.
Stop commenting on and liking her IG photos, especially if she considers you just a bestie.
Stop feeding her with free attention that she didn’t work for.
You are a high-value man who doesn’t throw his attention away for free. Act accordingly.
Women should work for your valuable time and attention. It should never be a one-way investment for you.
If that doesn’t happen with a woman you like, no problem.
You just leave, without showing any signs of frustrations, and onto the next one.
3. Seek Other Options
Do you want to carry the most attractive mindset as a man in a vast dating world?
Do you want to come across as a man worth being in your interactions with women?
The best way you can do that is to develop an abundance mindset–a mindset that understands what having other options means.
When you have other options to date or other plates to spin, you will find yourself never acting out of fear or being pushed by scarcity.
Imagine dating three girls for a minute.
How would seeing three girls a week shape your mindset?
What would happen if a girl decides to flake on you?
What would you do if one of them decides that she wants you to be her friend?
What if she takes you for granted, misbehaves, or takes up your time to tell you about her guy problems?
The answer would most likely be: you just switch to the other options.
You will have no reason to go through a lot of BS just for one woman’s satisfaction at your expense.
You will find no reason to stick around in a friend zone because other women see you as an attractive man to fulfill both your desires.
Since you’re already dating others, you will find that dealing with the fear of loss or rejection is easy, because you have options.
And women will absolutely notice that too, without you even telling them.
They will notice when you pass their shit-tests like they’re no big deal.
They will see how you genuinely don’t care when they first try to put in you in the friend zone.
They will observe your behavior as a man who has options and isn’t forced to play women’s game.
They might even see you with other women in real life or through social media and know that you’re not one of these beta boys who are willing to kiss women’s feet and bend at women’s whims.
And this is when the tables get turned; you’re in high demand.
Women appreciate men who have something to offer–men who have high standards and act accordingly.
You separate yourself from the pack when you have an abundance mindset and options to back it up.
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4. Aim for Tension, Not Comfort
If you consider all the most attractive alpha male traits that spark emotion and desire in women, you’ll notice that they’re all–one way or another–darker qualities. Traits that are mostly frowned upon by today’s society.
Selfishness, ruthlessness, narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism, etc.
All of these are traits are considered evil, yet if calibrated correctly, can make you an extremely magnetic and charismatic man, attractive enough for women to even compete over.
There is a reason why women love bad boys. No matter how “bad” they really are, women tend to flock to them and choose them over the Nice Guys, one hundred percent of the time.
Because women would rather feel something than nothing at all.
Love is something. Hate is also something, surprisingly.
But indifference is absolutely nothing.
The woman who hates you is still invested and cares enough to hate you. She remembers you. She thinks of you. She talks about you.
But the indifferent woman is cold towards you. She forgets about your existence. You’re not worthy of her attention, and that’s why she is cold towards you.
Having said that, which applies to the comforting Nice Guys?
Do women love them? Do they hate them? Or do they just not care enough, unless they’re in for free dates, attentions, and resources?
This is the problem with these guys; they have no spine and are willing to resort to being safe and comfortable to the point where they become forgettable.
One the other hand, the dangerous alpha men and bad boys are more challenging, they have a lot of these “evil” traits in varying degrees, and girls just can’t get enough of them.
Women have the same exact guy problems with men who are in demand. All of their guys don’t care about them enough and some don’t prioritize the women’s existence. Yet for some reason, these women don’t leave, at least for a while.
These women will have male orbiters left and right dropping out on a regular basis, no problem. Orbiters come and go, what.ever.
But that rare, one of a kind, and mysterious bad boy a woman can’t get ahold of?
Nope. That guy doesn’t leave her world. He lives in her mind rent-free.
Because he has the right “evil” qualities balanced out perfectly. 40%-80% of dark triad traits and then and some kindness involved are the intoxicating mix women desire.
What should this mean for you?
For you to be successful in your dating endeavors, you have to stop putting the women on pedestals. Stand on the pedestal, instead.
To get out of the friend zone, you have to stop comforting and apologizing to her whenever she’s slightly annoyed with you.
You have to stop backing off what you believe in and desire just because they’re not in line with her wants and needs.
You must be extremely comfortable with teasing, annoying her, and not giving her what she wants.
You need to become a challenge to be remembered, respected, and desired.
And the only way for you to become that man is to accept the possibility of losing her altogether and being selfish enough to follow what you care about.
5. Invest Less than She Does
If you think a relationship with a woman, no matter how short it is and even if it was a minute, is not a power dynamic, then you’re in a for a rude awakening.
Every single connection you have with someone will be a power dynamic where you and the other person will at least attempt to take control of the other.
This might not happen instantly or frequently, but it does and will always happen — that’s why we have disagreements, fights, discussions, and compromises.
The more you lose power in this dynamic, the less you’re respected.
The more you’re there for her no matter what, as you promised her, the more she’ll take your word for it.
And treat you accordingly.
The more you chase her and seek her approval, the harder it is to get out of the friend zone.
Because you’ve given her complete control over you, your happiness, and worth.
Women think it’s flattering when you surrender everything to make her happy, but deep down, they despise you for doing that. They might not know and think it, but their actions show the complete disdain they have for the men who put them on pedestals while forgetting themselves in the process.
If you want to stop being the Nice Guy and escape the friend zone, you must control the dynamic and lead her, without actively showing her that you are.
You have to understand that one person is going to lead and the other is going to submit.
The person who is going to submit is the person who needs the other more.
The person who needs the other more is the person who invests more.
This, for the Nice Guys, doesn’t make sense at all. And it shouldn’t; they finish last for a reason.
But if you look at the typical dynamic between the bad boy and his girl(s), it will make perfect sense.
The bad boy doesn’t invest as much as the woman, and that’s why she is extremely happy and appreciative when he shows her some love.
The bad boy doesn’t submit to a girl thanks to his options and purpose, but the girl will happily do so instead to enjoy the typical man-woman relationship she secretly yearns for and can’t get with the common submissive Nice Guys.
Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas.
— Heartiste
6. Date or No Date
The longer you stay in the friend zone, the harder it is for you to get out.
Guys who freeze and get stuck in the dark lonely zone usually do it because they’re waiting for the perfect moment, again, out of fear of rejection or loss.
They keep postponing addressing their desires and confronting their fears head-on because of their scarce mentality and its oneitis.
They are afraid to lose what they think could be the only shot they could have at being with this “one of a kind” woman.
It might seem like a tactical and smart decision, but to the woman, they see right through this BS.
To come with such an extremely long approach to get what you want will appear as extremely weak.
The solution?
Stop. Beating. Around. The. Bush.
Realize that the perfect moment is never going to come; this ship has sailed long ago when you have already presented yourself as a friend.
Flirt with her and see where it goes. Get out of the friend box.
If she responds well to your flirting and the other steps mentioned earlier, then the dating potential may be still there.
At the point, you need to seal the deal and get it over with: ask her out on a date.
If you want to get out of the friend zone, stop doing friend things.
Start doing sexy things. Flirt, tease, escalate, have fun, and casually show her your desire.
If she follows your lead and sees where things go, then great. You apparently just have wasted your time doing stupid things before.
But if she doesn’t like any of this, then it’s done. No matter how long you would have waited, you were never going to get out of the friend zone.
You would have only wasted even more of your short and precious time pretending you’re someone you’re not.
At that point, you better cut your losses, take the “L” like a man, thank her for her time, and then NEXT her for good.
7. Focus On Your Purpose
Having other dating options is great for your authority in relationships, social proof, social engagement, and part of maintaining a fun lifestyle.
But options will only take you so far when it comes to personal growth as a Nice Guy–you’ll still have no long-term internal sources of confidence and self-sufficiency when you rely on other people’s existence to feel fulfillment.
A man with no purpose is a permanently unfulfilled man.
He’s also bound to face pain and regret because of his poor life choices, sooner or later.
Don’t be that man or else you will start making purposes out of things that shouldn’t matter, such as women who don’t love you and the approval of people who don’t care about you.
Your own mission as a man is the most important factor in your own happiness, self-esteem, and independence.
You can not fake the rewards of having an actual purpose.
People sense your discipline, freedom, maturity, passion, and reliability as a self-actualized man when you have a lifetime mission that means the world to you.
Your purpose plays an immense role in your dating life.
When you have a purpose, you’ll most likely avoid making bad short-term dating choices because you’ll be valuing your own time and resource.
When you already have a purpose, you’ll avoid the mistake most Nice Guys do when it comes to women–idealizing the female gender and making women their own purpose.
When you stay chasing your purpose, the women you date will respect you and your time.
They will see that since you have a lot of self-respect, they will most likely do the same for you. They will know the consequences of not taking you seriously; that you’re willing to leave if you don’t have what you want.
Chase excellence, not women.
— Richard Cooper
Hold Yourself Accountable
Blame yourself for everything that comes your way, and you’ll go far with your growth as an attractive man.
Nice Guys leave everything that has to do with them to other’s approval, time, and availability, and that’s why they literally finish last.
Once you start having standards and follow them religiously, it’s only then will people start doing the same. Because how will people take you seriously if you don’t believe in doing that for yourself?
Hold yourself accountable as you take the steps that we have discussed. If there’s something that you can do to develop from a Nice Guy to a competent Man with some bad boy tendencies, then it’s on you to make these necessary changes.
Nobody will help you. You’re the only one who can help you.
The sooner you apply and follow this mindset, the sooner you stop blaming others, women included, for not giving you what you want.
The sooner you take control of your own life and become a strong self-actualized man.