There are so many behaviors that can put you in the friend zone when you’re interacting with women.
Some of these behaviors have been popularized by our unrealistic romantic outlook on relationships and others have been encouraged by modern society with the intention of ironing out the differences between both genders.
Usually, the biggest problem with being in the friend zone is that once you’re in, you can’t get out. So knowing what you shouldn’t be saying or doing can really save you from wasting your time in one-sided relationships.
To help you avoid platonic relationships you want no part of, here are nine common behaviors that you should be aware of when dealing with women that would cause you to compromise your value, time, and goals in life:
Please note that this post contains affiliate links. I only recommend products and services that can add value to you at no extra cost.
9 Beta Orbiter Behaviors That Put You in the Friend Zone
1. You Let Your Fear of Rejection Think for You
When you’re afraid of something, you’re almost guaranteed to make the worst possible decision at any given time.
And when it comes to relationships, fear of rejection or loss can stop you from taking the necessary risks that are required for attraction to take place.
What guys don’t realize when they’re paralyzed by fear and wanting to play it safe is that they actually have already lost the women they desire right from the start.
Because when you’re afraid of a woman’s rejection, you instantly make it clear to her that you’re not really an option as a sexual partner. Your fear of losing her tells her that she’s so valuable to you that you’re willing to settle for something less than you desire — that it’s okay to be “just friends“.
The more time you waste playing it safe and not going for what you truly want, the quicker she puts you in the friend zone as you show her that her mere presence is more than enough for you.
The scenario that ends up happening from her side when you let your fear of rejection take over is usually something like:
“Oh, you’re okay with being just my friend? You’re actually fine with being in the friend zone? I guess there’s no need for me to pursue you then…
Well, welcome to the dark place where all my other friend-zoned friends have been orbiting for the past few months and years.
Let me introduce you to your fellow orbiters: this is Harry, he’s been serving me here with free dinners and attention for like.. 5 years now? It’s cute how hard he has been trying! I feel so special.
Harry, say hi to your new orbiting partner!”
Well, that’s not really how it goes, but you get what I mean.
Men who have something to offer know exactly that. They know that there’s no reason to be fearful or, at least, continue to act despite their fear understanding that there’s always someone else willing to accept what them for what they bring to the table.
2. You’re Scared of Standing Up to Her
A common mistake men make when they’re attracted to women is that they act with full compliance towards them. These men want as little tension as possible thinking that avoiding any sort of conflict would actually draw the women in and make them comfortable enough to want to be with them.
On paper, it makes sense: why would you want to push someone away when you want to do the exact opposite? Why would you want to say ‘no’ when you want to make that person feel accepted and happy?
But men who think that way don’t understand that ‘no’ is actually an incredibly powerful word that can initiate attraction when used correctly. It’s a word that introduces character and tension, which what attraction really is all about.
Standing up to women when you need to displays strength and signifies independence. ‘No’ indicates boundaries and commands respect. It is a very compelling word that can present you as a high-value male to any woman you’re dealing with.
When you refuse to give a woman simply because it’s not something you want to do, you show her that you’re not afraid of speaking your mind, even if she doesn’t like it.
That’s of course as long as you’re being authentic and reasonable about it.
Furthermore, when you’re an independent man who’s not afraid to decline her requests and put yourself first most of the time, you’ll be able to, by default, provide the right amount of tension you need to maintain a healthy relationship.
And women can easily tell when you’re the exact opposite; when you’re too compliant and agreeable. It only takes them a couple of shit tests to figure that out, and once they do, they know they’re on pedestals. A dynamic that ends up with you in the friend zone.
It’s game over for you once she knows she can get away with whatever she wants and that you’re afraid of saying ‘no’. This lack of tension and respect will have her looking forward to pretty much nothing besides having your compliant butt do her favors and accommodate her needs that never match yours.
That doesn’t mean you should be denying everything she asks of you or become too stubborn for no reason, but this is to remind you that it’s okay to say ‘no’ when you’re asked to do or say something that you don’t agree with.
In a world full of betas who just can’t wait to join a women’s orbit of yes men, be someone who values himself and what he thinks more than anything else. This will help you stand out as a confident strong man whom women would take seriously, respect, and therefore pursue.
3. You Listen to Her Talk About Other Dudes
This one is very common that it’s sad.
A lot of men in the friend zone take the time to listen to the women they desire on the phone talking about the men they desire but can’t have or on the verge of having.
If you ask these men why they actually waste their time doing that, they’ll respond with:
1- “I don’t know. It just happened that way.”
2- “I’m just being there for her because I care about her.”
The first point is a result of being passive, and we’ll get to that later. The second is a result of a romantic and delusional mindset. In both cases, it is a situation that screams “scarcity mindset”, and that’s a mindset that puts you in the friend zone.
The longer you allow yourself to be a position where you’re okay with listening to her rants or talks about other men, the more you cement your position in the friend zone; someone who’s only there to give out free attention, nothing more.
Because a woman who tells a guy about her interest in other men will only do this because she sees him the same exact way she sees her girlfriends; comfort-zones she can just be in for speaking her mind.
After all, why would a woman who’s attracted to a guy risk scaring him away by telling him about other men she likes?
The reason why men accept being in this situation is that they think that being women’s comfort-zones and women appreciating them for listening to what they have to say is a sign that they’re moving forward, in some way.
They think that the trust and openness these women are giving them are valid reasons to hope for something more; that, in time once these women see how good, understanding, and available they are, their friendship will magically blossom into a full-blown sexual relationship.
But little do they know that they’re only taking the roles of emotional tampons.
To help you figure out where you stand with someone you like, you have to always identify your position as simply as possible; you’re either the man she’s talking to others about or you’re the one listening to her talk about him. It’s either this or that.
Which means you should always be aware of where you stand with the woman you want to spend time with and avoid being passive long enough to fall into this dreaded situation.
And that brings us to the next point.
4. You’re Too Passive Around Her
Passiveness kills attraction.
It’s boring, aimless, and will push a woman to put you in the friend zone immediately.
There are many ways to be passive. Here are a couple of examples that you can keep in mind for reference:
1. You’re talking to her but aren’t really asking her out. Instead, you waste your time texting her and call her all day secretly hoping she’ll take that step.
2. Maybe you’ve both made it clear that you like one another, but you’re still not really making any moves to escalate or push for something that’s more than what you have right now.
3. You see a woman you like who is clearly showing you interest but then you decide to ignore her thinking she might do the approaching instead of you, or become afraid to approach her.
4. You’re listening to her on the phone ranting about Chad not noticing her, who’s instead, chasing those “bad bad girls who aren’t any good for him”.
If you ask most women what they really appreciate in men, it’s always confidence.
Passiveness is a quality a confident man will be less likely to have. It’s a trait nice guys who finish last tend to carry cluelessly.
Even the most capable and strongest women out there would like to know they have partners they can count on and aren’t afraid to take the lead when they want to.
So don’t be afraid to go after what you want in a relationship with women. There’s no need to shy away from opportunities that would help you be with a woman or boost her interest in you; when you take control and keep trying (without being a control freak that is) wonderful things tend to happen, and you might even wonder why you never took action from the first place.
You might think that being idle and passive is safer than doing something risky that could turn someone off, and maybe that is true for some cases, but for the most part, being passive can cost you more than dealing with the risks of going after what you want.
The regret of never trying is always worse than that of rejection.
5. You’re Not Comfortable in Your Own Skin
If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll probably know that I’m not a fan of the “being yourself” myth as an approach to any new problem or task. It’s a lazy approach that doesn’t provide you with new tools to deal with an equally unfamiliar situation.
However, when it comes to maintaining your frame in an interaction with a woman, there has to be a certain level of acceptance of yourself that should naturally show towards everyone, yourself included. At the moment of your interaction with the opposite sex, you have to be okay with what you have to offer as a man in order to find any success within that interaction.
If you’re comfortable with who you are, the woman you’re dealing with will feel that comfort regardless of what she thinks about it. In other words, women may or may not like who you are, but if you’re not comfortable in your own skin, then they will definitely not view you as a sexual option for them.
An authentic acceptance of oneself can command a certain degree of appreciation that leads to charm and swagger, two of the main characteristics of what women find sexy and attractive.
On the contrary, becoming too accommodating and receptive towards women may present you as the “sweet” and “caring” person that they can count on or talk to, but that won’t boost your chances of making them desire you and instead will have you in the friend zone.
6. You’re Constantly Seeking Her Approval
Constantly seeking approval is the same as having to prove your own value to someone else; when you put yourself in that vulnerable position, you inevitably end up losing their interest.
When you keep looking for positive acknowledgment from the person you like, you subconsciously let them know that you’re ready to chase them wherever they go; you give them an abiding upper hand in the relationship.
And women don’t like always having the upper hand. They don’t know what to do with it.
High-value men don’t actually have the time or desire to seek approval. They know their own value and don’t need external validation from others. They don’t carry a scarcity mindset; they know that if they’re not getting what they want, they’ll simply move on to the next thing, which ironically, is the kind of confident and attractive mindset most women are drawn to.
What ends up happening when you give a woman all your power in the relationship by consistently seeking her approval is her always coming up with new ways and routines for you to earn her approval, and it will only be a matter of time before these hurdles result in you being in the friend zone.
“Am I good enough to be your partner yet? Am I doing everything listed in your evergrowing checklist?”
It’s no wonder why these men end up confused and dumped with this “I’m just not feeling the spark, let’s be friends instead?” line women tend to give them in these situations. There’s never a spark when there’s no self-belief and conviction on your part.
Questions Men Ask When They’re Seeking Approval
“Are you enjoying the date so far?”
“Am I making you happy?”
“Do you think I’d make a good boyfriend/partner?”
“What would it take for us to be together?”
Never look for ways to prove yourself and validate your actions to impress women or anyone else as a matter of fact. Be and strive to be who you want to be and if she likes what she sees and feels, she’ll happily want to be part of your life.
7. You’re Too Emotional
Women tend to be more emotional than men, and this is no coincidence, we’ve just evolved that way.
From the evolutionary standpoint: women’s emotional side was reinforced over hundreds of thousands of years for the offspring’s wellbeing and security and men were wired to become less emotional for taking on the physical and mental challenges of providing for and defending their tribes, families, and themselves.
It’s also no coincidence that women do appreciate men who are capable of not acting or responding despite their emotions to a certain degree and are repelled by men who lack the mental strength to be in control of themselves.
And that’s where the shit tests come into play.
Confident and capable men understand that thinking emotionally to certain situations will lead them to act irrationally, something the masculine problem-solving gender isn’t known for. Men who are sure of themselves, are capable of thinking and reacting calmly in possible stressful situations to a healthy extent, shit tests included.
Women seek emotional stability and a certain degree of stoicism in the men they want to be with, so when you act in a way that doesn’t match that desired grounded masculine energy, you lose women’s interest. It doesn’t make sense for them to bond with emotional beings who are just like them.
Masculinity & Expressing Your Emotions
The huge problem with men today is that they are always encouraged to be in touch with their feminine side — to be okay with opening up and being emotional towards others. That embracing their feminine side makes them more relatable, real, and honest.
This might sound like a wonderful thing, but the moment you do embrace your feminine energy and become too emotional, you become too relatable to the opposite gender that you’re no longer viewed as a sexual option; you’re going to be a good fit in the friend zone instead.
So don’t be fooled by modern society’s definition of masculinity and how men are supposed to express themselves. We’ve already been programmed to like and dislike certain traits hundreds of thousands of years ago, so a few decades of redefining what genders should find attractive isn’t going to change what the genders really desire anytime soon.
8. You’re Too Available & Accommodating
Generally speaking, anything that has value is cherished and won’t be easy to find; that goes for high status, trophies, high-paying careers, and high-value men and women out there.
What is rare and positive is usually attractive and valuable, and the same can be said of your attention, time, and effort. They can be extremely valuable and worth pursuing only if you put them in the right places.
Furthermore, when your time and resources are invested in becoming a better version of yourself first and foremost, you end up becoming a quality man who will get respected and possibly even pursued by women.
You become that trophy with your high-paying career as a high-value man who has improved his status compared to the other men in the sexual marketplace.
And quality women will always want men who have something to offer. They’ll prefer men with ambition and purpose; men who are capable enough of providing and taking care of them and their possible future family.
But to become that kind of man, you’ll have to prioritize your goals and time to fulfill your missions — sometimes prioritize those over other things and people you’d like to pursue, women included.
| If you’re looking for help on developing your purpose and figuring out your passion, I highly recommend checking out the “My Vision Workshop” that will help you find that meaningful goal you wish to have and work on for life. |
Successful Men Are Genuinely Not Always Available
If you notice all the excellent men out there, all the men we get inspired by and read about, you’ll notice that they’re all very careful and sometimes selfish with how they spend their time and resources. These men know their value, what they have to offer, and what it takes to push for more success and maintain their status.
They don’t intentionally become unavailable in relationships just for the sake of showing value, but they’re genuinely focused on their purpose in life, and are aware enough not to let anything else get in the way, not even the women they love.
By being valuable instead of showing value, successful men are naturally selfish with their resources and attention, they understand that women will come and go, but the same can’t be said about their careers. Ironically, that’s a behavior women appreciate in men even if they complain about it from time to time.
Because it’s highly unlikely that you’ll find Lebron James canceling training sessions because his girl is having problems getting over her manipulative ex and needs someone to talk to. If anything, if her problems persist, he’ll most likely end up canceling the whole relationship instead. He’ll find his career more rewarding and important in the long term.
That doesn’t mean you should be unattentive to your girl’s needs and unappreciative of her time, but a girl should never be your main purpose, or else she will eventually just get bored.
The Role of Unavailability in Attraction
We’ve mentioned earlier that you need the right amount of tension and comfort to keep a healthy relationship going. If there’s too much tension, the woman won’t feel safe, and if there’s too much comfort, you’re bound to get taken for granted, and therefore, disrespected.
Generally-speaking, if a woman enjoys spending time with you, your presence will really be appreciated in your absence, not in your presence.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s very understandable to want to spend a lot of time with a girl you like to build comfort; it’s completely logical and necessary to be available for any attachment to take place.
But what we all should keep in mind is that the more you spend time with a woman, the more comfortable she gets with you. And, as always, too much of anything spoils the bigger picture; too much comfort ruins a sexual relationship. That’s exactly how sexual activity fades in long term relationships even when everything’s going well; too much stability, unfortunately, kills the sexual desire to initiate and maintain non-platonic connections.
When you’re not always available, you raise the tension in your relationship, assuming you’re fun to be with. You make your girl want to spend time with you even more because your dosage of fun when you’re around is scarce compared to the other more available people out there (beta orbiters).
This is exactly how you get a woman to miss you, to begin with. You’ll never see a woman telling you that she misses you when you’ve been seeing and talking to her every single day; she’ll only miss you once you’re not really accessible for a period of time.
Your presence is appreciated in your absence, not in your availability.
Examples of Being Too Accommodating and Available
Putting your work and tasks aside when she asks to fulfill her needs.
Unless it’s an emergency, you should never put anyone ahead of what you want to do. It may seem sweet, but it’s also considered a weakness that will put you in the friend zone.
Buying her drinks and food all the time.
Women feel like they’re on pedestals once they feel you have to “bribe” them for their time and attention.
High-quality men don’t need to buy anyone’s attention or love; they know what they bring to the table with their personalities is enough. But if it’s not the case, then it’s time to look elsewhere. There’s never a need to accommodate a woman’s appetite just to win over her affection.
Calling and texting her for hours.
If you want to be in the friend zone, call and text her all day every day.
Calling and texting are for setting dates and emergencies. Other than that, there should be something else occupying your time (like your purpose), and giving someone else your undivided attention for a long period of time shouldn’t be one of them.
Giving her gifts way too soon and too frequently.
Giving a gift is a thoughtful action that works well when it’s done at the right times. Women love gifts and they will only be considered special if you treat them as such.
Random gifts just for the sake of it may seem nice and cute, but it also sends her a message that you’re so happy with what you have at the moment that you decided to reward her.
Which means that if you do reward someone too soon for just existing, it will seem sweet at first, but it’s also a risk that can put you in the friend zone because you don’t give the other person more reasons to try and pursue you the same way you pursue them. You let them subconsciously understand that what they have offered so far is good enough.
9. You’re Too Open
Being mysterious is an attractive trait every man should be mindful of. It’s a trait that invokes intrigue and stimulates a woman’s mind. And the more you stimulate a woman’s mind, the more she’ll want to spend time with you to figure you out.
This is why women enjoy the initial phases of the relationships more than men do; they like the journey to discovery. They like to ask, wonder, and explore. When there’s a mystery, there’s an exciting buildup and fantasy.
So an important thing to keep in mind when you’re dating a woman is to not to be too open with her. Instead of telling women what you’re all about on a first date and laying everything out there in the name of openness, it’s better to let her figure you out by showing her what you are through your actions, not words.
That doesn’t mean you should withhold information or be dishonest with her. There’s a fine line between not letting her know everything about you and not letting her know what she needs to know about you. You have to be aware of the difference between playful mystery and blatant deceit.
But since women generally focus on the subtleties of communication, it would only be beneficial to your relationship if you let her take the time to actively explore you instead of giving her everything without her having to try.
Because when she tries and makes an effort to get to know you, that within itself becomes an investment. And when there’s an investment, there’s an attachment.
A Healthy Degree of Selfishness Is Required
Putting yourself and your personal pursuit of success and happiness first go a long way when it comes to attraction. Relationships, no matter what kind, should always be considered byproducts of you chasing excellence instead of being the destination of your pursuits. It’s the best way you can have the kind of relationships you want with the people you fancy being with.
At the end of the day, it’s not the romantic actions of availability and display of emotions that secure the desire of the opposite sex as we’ve been encouraged to believe, but stoicism, ambition, and character are the necessary qualities that have a huge role in building high-value men women want to be with and other men want to become.
| How to Get More Dates: Eharmony
Looking for the most practical way to talk to women and set up dates with them? I’d suggest exploring your potential matches through eharmony, one of the most successful and commonly used dating platforms today. Online dating is a numbers game that gives you access to many women at once, so sign up here and start matching. |