Does The No Contact Rule Work? Here’s Everything You Need to Know

Let’s be honest: nobody looks up how the No Contact rule works unless they’re going through uncertain times in their relationships.

You’re probably here because you’re just not getting what you want our of your man/girl and it’s frustrating you that you cannot do so.

Maybe you’re not in control of yourself in the relationship as much as you’d like, so just knowing about the No Contact rule gives you more hope.

The problem is, as with most dating guides online, that most of the No Contact advice you’ll see can be misleading and inaccurate.

So what we’ll do here in this article is understand what the No Contact rule is, how it works, and when you should and should not use No Contact so you can tailor your unique solution to your unique relationship and circumstances.

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The contact rule is cutting off all forms of contact with someone.

It’s a rule followed to either move on from a bad relationship or get the relationship dynamic back in your favor.

To go No Contact is to have no contact in all shapes and forms — no calls, no texts, no comments, nothing.

Some people will see this rule as a harsh rule to follow when trying to “fix” their relationships, which might be the case sometimes; but generally-speaking, the No Contact rule is meant as an option when direct communication has already been used to correct a minor issue between you and the person you’re having a disagreement with.

But in more serious situations when this rule is needed because of major disrespect for example, you can’t just go No Contact for a few days and then just give up and hope your partner/ex learned their mistake.

Unless you want your absence to be not taken seriously by your ex or your moving on not to be taken seriously by you.

So no contact means NO contact.

This means that if you’re struggling with following this rule because you’re too attached or don’t have the mental fortitude to deal with the silence that comes with no contact, then you might need to take it further and consider muting, blocking, or removing your ex from all accounts to keep you from getting distracted or back tracking.

Why Going No Contact Is the Best Way Move On

When it comes to fully moving on from a relationship the No Contact rule is the best option to go for as it forces your mind to adapt to the fact that your ex is no longer part of your life by continuously ignoring their presence, over and over again.

For a lot of people out there in this day and age, moving on is extremely difficult as we often have our exes everywhere on social media.

It’s hard to avoid their posts, pictures, stories, and comments on other people’s content when you’re both connected on so many platforms — where you were once all over each other’s posts for support and inside jokes.

If you’re stuck in that cycle where it just emotionally drains you to see their posts all the time, then going No Contact and removing them might be exactly what you need.

Because when you’re fresh off a breakup, the last thing you want are reminders pushing you to second guess yourself and your decisions.

And you certainly don’t want to do anything you’d regret such as worrying about them moving on before you, thus pushing you to try to get their attention or contact them out of desperation.

Now, of course, following the rule is easier said than done.

But what I can promise you is that even though going o contact can be extremely tough at the beginning, once it’s consistently adopted, you will eventually move on and be proud of yourself for becoming mentally and emotionally stronger.

You will come out of this becoming a better and stronger version of yourself.

Does the Infamous 30-Day No Contact Rule Work?

A lot of dating gurus out there will tell you that going for a 30 day no contact is the best way to get your ex back; however, having a fixed number of days set for all relationships doesn’t always make sense.

All relationships are different.

Some connections have common patterns you can address using a common solution, like the 30-Day No Contact Rule, to get what you want. But most relationships are too complex to opt for a simple common method that you just heard about online.

You need to understand your situation carefully before just following this rule.

Do you just want more out of your partner/ex?

Do you simply nothing to do with them?

What’s your level of communication like?

To what extent do you need to go No Contact?

Is opting for the rule a calm and calculated decision on your part? Or it is an emotional reaction out of desperation?

The best way to know what to do and how many day you’ll need is to understand yourself, what you want, and how beneficial the relationship really is.

Nobody can really tell you exactly what to do other than you. You can get some coaching to help clear up your mind, but the decision is yours, as should be.

Because maybe your partner has done something small and silly, and going no contact for a day or two in a new relationship might be sufficient.

Sometimes going no contact for a month makes sense when you’ve been together for a couple of years and your partner continued to make the same bad mistake you just don’t tolerate at all.

And there other times when using the no contact rule permanently is appropriate when you’ve dealt with a partner who has physically abused you and continued to do so.

So the best way to handle your unique situation is thinking logically what works for you and how this relationship has been really affecting you.

Only then will you be able to tell if the no contact rule is for you and how long you’d need it to go.

Why is the No Contact Rule so Effective?

The no contact rule works in circumstances where silence is the best way to respond to a break up or your partner mistreating you on a regular basis.

Whenever you go no contact, you basically show your partner/ex, through your actions, that your presence isn’t permanent and can be removed whenever you’re being disrespected or unappreciated.

As human beings, we only appreciate what we have when we’ve worked to earn it and then work to keep it.

Anything less means we take what we have for granted and eventually disrespect it.

This applies to all relationships. And this is probably why you’re here.

You’re most likely at a point where you know you need to do something about your connection that isn’t going your way.

Something other than continuing to make the same mistake by staying or allowing them to continue handling things the way your partner/ex does.

This brings us to the next point.

When Does the No Contact Rule Work?

1- You & Your Partner Have A Strong Foundation, But They Messed Up

We all make mistakes from time to time, it’s part of human nature and no relationship out there will ever be perfect.

We all can and must accept that so we can react properly whenever we’re not receiving the treatment we want.

What we also should accept, however, are relationships that are constructive — connections that add value to our life and can be relied upon.

If you’re with someone who gives a lot to you and then makes a mistake that shows a lack of respect, then sometimes that is fine and shouldn’t be looked at as a relationship-breaking fault.

Sometimes going no contact for a bit is all you need for your significant other to think about what they did, realize they made a mistake, and apologize to you for making that mistake.

At that point, it can be okay just to accept the apology knowing they understand what mistake they’ve made and are willing to remain consistent with better behavior.

But in this case, the contact rule will work only if they know that you are going no contact because of a specific bad behavior.

There way too many people out there who fail to communicate the reason behind their no contact, leaving their partner confused and not even knowing why they are being met with silence, which leaves room for more misunderstandings and frustrations to take place.

2- Your Partner/Ex Continues to Make the Same Mistake After Being Warned

This is where things get a bit tricky.

Depending on your boundaries, how clearly they were set, and how bad your partner’s mistakes are, sometimes going no contact to an extended period of time is necessary to correct what now has been bad learned behavior.

Because there is one thing you need to know to identify the magnitude of your problem:

People are either trained into following boundaries or they’re trained to discard them.

And this depends entirely on you.

Have you been super clear about them making a mistake the first time? Or were you passive-aggressive and not communicating your standards clearly?

Did they make the mistake a second time unintentionally? Or was the last time the 5th time they go through the same process knowing what they’re doing?

In both cases, going No Contact temporarily can work, but you have to truly know if it’s worth it, to begin with.

Because if you’re dealing with someone who just doesn’t respect your boundaries because they don’t respect you, then what’s the point of getting back to them later?

Not everyone is going to appreciate you, and you have to truly understand that and then act accordingly to keep that relationship spot for someone who will respect you and what you’re about.

If you do feel like you’re not going to get what you want out of the relationship, then perhaps it’s time to go No Contact, but for good.

3- They Messed Up Bad And it Will Never Be the Same

You might not want to break up, but you definitely know when it’s time to break up despite your feelings.

The thing is there are many people out there who just won’t accept the fact that their relationship is truly over when it was supposed to be over.

Instead of just arranging the breakup and going no contact in order to move on completely, some people will drag things on for a lot more time than it deserves.

The less painful way to handle a breakup is to communicate the breakup, leave on good terms, and just let it be.

And even though there are times when you just won’t get the chance to end the relationship on good terms, you should still be as respectful as possible.

When you know it’s time to move on, going No Contact with the intent of never looking back is the best way to handle yourself so you can always maintain that self-respect and relieve yourself from any unnecessary tension that would hold you back on an emotional level.

You want to be dealing with as less negative encounters and thoughts as possible so you could position yourself to have better ones sooner rather than later.

All these back-and-forth’s people get stuck in after breakups happen usually because the hope they’d get that last word, closure, or more attention in the end. These are all just forms of misplaced emotional investments that would force you to take even longer time to recover and move on from.

Sometimes the best cure is prevention — be very strict and stringent with your time and attention once it’s time to leave.

Factors to Keep in Mind Before Going No Contact

Obviously and as we’ve mentioned before, if there was a specific timeline proven to see how long it takes for no contact to work, then everyone would be either back with their exes or know for a fact that their exes have moved on — making it easier for everyone to fix their relationships or move on as a result.

But unfortunately, the relationships don’t work that way. You cannot just standardize emotional choices and investments.

You can’t know how long it takes for no contact to work, and if this is a question that crosses your mind, then no contact will not work for you.

What you should consider is that when your “why” for doing something is powerful, then your rewards will always be great.

So when the reason behind you going No Contact is just to get your ex back regardless of why want to do so, then your execution of the No Contact rule is going to be shaky and weak. You will continually wrestle with the idea of talking to your ex whenever you miss them.

You will be more likely to make a mistake you’d regret later, out of desperation.

When your “why” isn’t strong enough, you become outcome-dependent. Your happiness will solely depend on whether or not you get an ex back.

But if you’re going no contact because you truly believe that you cannot be with someone who doesn’t really put effort in to be with you, then your resolution is stronger and will make more sense.

Your resolve, in this case, isn’t depending on whether or not your ex contacts you, but it’ll be about you either getting what you deserve — whether that was from your ex or someone later on.

Your “why”, at that point, becomes so strong that you stay consistent with going No Contact.

Now that the reasoning is clear, let’s go through the tips on figuring out which factors that affect the no contact rule and how long it takes to work:

1. Who Initiated the Breakup

First of all, how long it takes depends on who initiated the breakup.

If your ex broke up with you because they were fed up of you being clingy, then it’s naturally going to take them longer to miss you and think about wanting you back.

But if they broke up with you because they did something stupid, then the no contact rule works more in your favor. You can expect them to get back to you sooner than later.

If you’ve brought a lot of value to them during your relationship, then No Contact is going to make them think carefully about losing all of that. If they’re smart and not being stubborn, they wouldn’t want to waste time and risk you moving on to someone else and give them that value.

They might give you space out of respect if you’ve communicated to them that you’d like to take some time alone. But other than that, if you have initiated the break up because of their own wrongdoing, then No Contact gives them a chance to think about what they’ve done and possibly regret it.

That’s when they learn from their mistake and understand the consequences of repeating it again.

2. How Long Have You Been Together?

The longer your relationship has been, the more likely going no contact would make your ex want to get back to you again.

Naturally, the more invested we are into a relationship, especially when we’ve had so many reasons to be happy in it, the more likely we understand the relationship’s impact and value whenever we lose it.

The longer you two have been intimate and close to one another, the more time it would take for you and your partner to decide to fully move on, as the “addiction” you have from being together for so long takes a while to wear out.

3. How Much Value Have You Brought into the Relationship?

The more you’ve brought to the table and to your partner, the more likely and quickly the No Contact rule gets your ex back.

If you’re a man who has made your ex happy by leading her towards your purpose, being her rock, and having a great time with her on a regular basis, then it’s only going to make sense for her to want to get back to what kept her happy.

If you’re a woman and your ex has always found you attractive, supportive, and great to talk to and be with, then going no contact is going to be in your favor when it comes to getting your ex back.

Unfortunately, value is extremely subjective.

No matter how great you think you were, your ex will judge the past based on how much they’re hurt by the breakup versus how well you’ve treated them on a consistent basis.

This is something you have no control over — you cannot force an ex to see how valuable you think you were. It’s all on them, their memories, and their preferences at that point.

When Does the No Contact Rule NOT Get Your Ex Back?

Everything is possible when you’re going No Contact, but there are situations that can ruin your chances. Here some common examples of no contact not working:

1. You Did Something VERY Stupid

There are mistakes that lead to breakups and leave and ex room to re-evaluate the relationship, and then there are relationship-ending blunders that are just so bad your ex can’t even do much about it.

If you’ve hurt your now ex pretty bad by cheating on them, abusing them, or doing something else that’s to big of a deal to be ever forgotten, then you could just be leaving them no choice other than to never look back, especially if you know their pride and self-respect matter to them.

Sometimes, you just have to accept that what has happened cannot be reversed or changed.

We’d all like to change that one unnecessary thing we’ve said or that dumb move we’ve made that could have been avoided.

But we just can’t.

At that point, the best thing we can do is apologize, learn from our behavior, and leave the ex to heal and move on.

Remember that not all relationships are going to have that satisfying closure that would soothe your ego; there will always come a time when you just have to let go of something that has been too damaged and just stop trying.

2. You’ve Been Needy & Clingy for Way Too Long

Respect requires consistency to be earned and maintained. It also needs a second to be gone.

The more needy behaviors you display to someone you love, the more respect they lose for you.

Whenever you’re being clingy to someone you love, you clearly communicate that you’re not as good as them.

Whenever you’re being needy, you tell them that your life doesn’t mean much without them, and that is always a major turn off.

The longer this goes on during the relationship, the less likely going No Contact would bring your ex back.

Even if it does push them to contact you again, it wouldn’t necessarily mean that they’re contacting because they want to get back to you.

If you know for a fact that you have displayed this needy behavior out of desperation for far too long, then you have to understand that you will have to go No Contact anyway, whether you do manage to get your ex back or not.

Because you simply have no other choice.

You’d need to understand that your odds of being successful at baiting your ex with going No Contact is way too low at this point.

And the real reason why you’d need to No Contact anyway is that you’d need to start rewiring your mind to truly disconnect from your ex and abandon the idea of being dependent on someone else.

You need permanent No Contact, not to get your ex back, but because even for some magical reason you do get them back, history will repeat itself and it won’t be long before you push them away again by your neediness.

You need teach yourself to become a healthy independent soul and mind that don’t need the validation of anyone.

It’s only after you step away from your addiction is when you realize your self-worth and work on your value as an individual. When you’re successful fixing your actual internal problem, which is much bigger than getting an ex back at this point, you will for a fact have a better and healthier relationship later on.

3. Your Ex Has Found Someone Much Better Than You

Nobody wants to be replaced with a better option.

Everyone wants to believe that they offer what’s best for their partner.

But unfortunately, sometimes your ex just meets someone more compatible, has more value to offer, and less problems to present compared to you.

In such a case, there is nothing you can do to change your current situation. You’d have to go no contact anyway because it won’t make sense to keep talking to someone who has moved on to a relationship that is more suitable for them.

And this is no knock on you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the new person replacing you is better than you; it could simply mean that this is just more suitable for what your ex wants at that moment.

Sometimes we only have one single shot at making things right. It’s a harsh truth we don’t always want to accept.

Once that shot is gone, that’s it. it’s a wrap.

The only thing you can do at this point is learn from your mistakes so you can be the person who has more value to offer and less problems to give in the next relationship.

Because if you do learn from your mistakes, you will always have a better relationship than the one you had with your ex.

4. You’ve Been Too Inconsistent

When you’re too inconsistent in a relationship, you don’t get taken seriously.

When you break up too many times, a relationship with you won’t be taken seriously.

When you’ve gone on-and-off with no contact, then your ex just can’t take your presence and silence too seriously.

When you’ve lied, cheated, gone out of line too many times, it only makes sense that your ex just doesn’t trust you anymore.

Even if they do get back to you, most likely, it will never be the same and they just grow more comfortable with the idea of leaving again.

Relationships can easily be cracked in a split second by saying one wrong thing, and once this crack is there, it’s impossible to fix it to a point before it ever existed.

That’s why you must be mature enough to understand the consequences of your actions, words, and inconsistency.

And that’s why consistency is the only way you slowly build up respect to strengthen the relationship.

Once that consistency is gone, permanent cracks start to show.

5. They Grew Out of Love Or They’re No Longer Attracted to You

All relationships have an expiry date.

Most end within months. Some within years. And if you’re lucky enough, perhaps yours can end when you die.

But all connections end, one way or another, so it’s important to understand that there is no such thing as “forever” to be able to perceive and act in relationships in a realistic way.

And as couples grow older together, there are times when their relationships just end because of too many changes on either or both sides.

People grow, change, and desire different things.

This is normal, and as much as it may suck to the other person who hasn’t grown or changed that much, it’s a very valid reason as to why a relationship could end.

If you’re dealing with someone who has their perspectives, beliefs, or desires altered to the point where being with you no longer makes sense to them, then going No Contact temporarily isn’t going to work.

They’re already fixed on a path that doesn’t include you.

And that’s not something you can take personally, because remember, all relationships end eventually, so you’re not entitled to being with your now ex just because you wanted them so much.

You can only control your actions and words, never what your someone else wants. If they grow out of love, you must accept what they want, not stand in their way, or pursue them any further.

It might be difficult to process, but at the end of the day, you must internally accept that you can only be with someone who wants the same things — someone who desires to walk their path with you.

Anything else just won’t work, despite how bad you want things to be and no matter how good you/they/the past was.

Consistency for No Contact Is Always Key

Look, the goal is to be as consistent as you can when applying the No Contact rule.

If you’ve tried that and made the mistake of breaking no contact because you were emotionally triggered, frustrated, or couldn’t take it anymore, then it doesn’t mean that it’s the end for you.

It only means you need try again and get it right the next time.

The more consistent you are going no contact, the more impactful it’s going to be for you and for your partner/ex.

Because again and as we’ve said earlier, consistency is a necessary component in gaining respect. Without consistency, nobody will take your decisions or opinions seriously.

So whenever you do get this itch of breaking off no contact, remember why you’ve started.

Always remember why you want that respect for yourself and from your ex.