“Brendan, I want to talk to you about something. Can you come here for a minute?” asks Julia sheepishly.
“What is it dear?” Brendan responds with a look of concern on his face.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately, and I… I don’t think this is working out.”
“Wha-what? Why would you say that?!”
“I don’t know.. I just don’t feel it anymore. I don’t feel us anymore.”
“I don’t get it… Is it because we haven’t been on dates recently?”
“No, that’s not it.”
Brendan starts to panic.
To him, it feels like this came out of nowhere all of a sudden. “Where is this all coming from?” he asked himself as the whole relationship flashes before his eyes, desperately looking for that one sign of clarity to work with.
Up until that point, he has been doing everything right. He knows he has always been supportive of Julia ever since her last divorce. He has always been giving towards her child for the past two years. So to him, things just aren’t adding up.
Trying to salvage his marriage, Brendan insists, “I can fix it, whatever it is, babe. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“But I really don’t know what we can fix! I’ve really tried, hunny.”
“We can still work on this, Julia. We’ve always worked on things together.”
Realizing that Brendan just doesn’t get it, Julia finds herself lost for words. She has been stricken with guilt and shame for the past couple of months. And even though she can’t really put a finger on it, deep down she stills knows the truth; no matter what Brendan does, things will never be how they used to be, and it was time to finally accept that.
Knowing that relief is on the horizon, she calmly holds Brendan’s hands and looks into his eyes, “I can’t do this anymore, Brendan… I still love you, but I’m just not in love with you. You’re a great guy and you have been doing your all to make me happy. I’ve been thinking for months about how to be happy with you again, but I finally realized that maybe it’s not you, maybe it’s just me.”
The End.
And by “The End”, I mean divorce.
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What You Need to Do When She Says “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
One of the hardest kinds of breakups men go through is usually the one that has no closure; it’s the one that is confusing, full of what-ifs, and frustrating to the point where we don’t understand what really went wrong.
When we’re faced with hardships that have no resolve, as problem-solving men, we easily lose the logical and sensible side of ourselves. We don’t have the answers we need to figure out how to move on and we don’t have enough clarity to put the past behind us and know not to make the same errors again.
So what do we do in such situations?
We start responding irrationally and emotionally.
Because when we don’t eject ourselves out of the situation immediately, we stick around to overreact and make the same old mistakes that got us in there from the first place. In fact, we tend to double down on our blunders just to “make sure” we’re giving it our all, hoping that would finally end the hardship.
And that’s usually the case when we’re trying to figure out what went wrong in a relationship that might have started out well but slowly faded out, you might keep shoving these “solutions” like being more there and obedient towards her, until one day the woman hits that final nail in the coffin with the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk.
Most likely, if Julia never really talked to Brendan about how she really felt, he would have continued to make her unhappy while thinking everything is going the way it should be.
What “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Actually Means
First of all, when a woman tells you that the reason behind her deciding to break up is her, never believe that.
It’s not that she’s lying to you, but a woman will never tell you how you should behave as a man to win her over or keep her. And even if she did, it wouldn’t be an authentic change on your part.
A woman expects you to just get it.
She expects you to lead the relationship out of your own conviction, and how she feels and acts around you is the only feedback you get, the rest is yours to figure out and be accountable for.
So if she ever tells you anything along the lines of “I don’t deserve your love” or “you’re too good for me,” never take her words of kindness for it. Understand that this is just the result for how you’ve been maintaining your masculine Frame in the relationship and how your leadership has been doing so far.
Never fall into the rabbit hole of trying to figure out her reasoning behind her thoughts instead of focusing on your own reasoning and how you have allowed the relationship to take place.
It’s Not You. Anymore.
A sensible woman will be responsible enough to tell you when it’s over for her. An irresponsible woman will try to sabotage the relationship and put the blame on you to leave. Or even worse, find someone else to monkey-branch, sabotage the relationship, put it on you, and then head over to Chad’s.
In this case, it’s not you, it’s hunky Chad over there.
Ultimately, it won’t really matter how things end, so don’t bother trying to think of ways to deal with her; understand that once she gives you the talk, it is just over. It’s time to eject with no arguments on your part. Any effort into working things out will only make you seem more desperate.
What Led You To This Talk
1. Your Oneitis
If you don’t know what Oneitis is, I recommend reading this article to fully understand the number one reason why men end up getting friend-zoned, dumped, and even cheated on.
Men who have Oneitis are too available and giving in relationships, and that could stem out of their insecurity, low value, and fear of loss. Naturally, this becomes one of the biggest factors that kill attraction in relationships.
Women absolutely hate it when you’re always there — when you’re too predictable, even when they ask for it, believe it or not. They are automatically turned off by your continuous smothering of kindness and attention; they’ll at least subconsciously feel your insecurity lurking behind your availability, and that will be enough to realize who values who more.
The problem is men have been socially programmed to always be there for their partners and make sure the women feel loved and appreciated — that putting women on a pedestal is the way to go to keep a relationship going strong and sexual, and even though it seems like the right thing to do and believe in, it never works in the real world.
Because the truth is women will only want to settle with men they think are high-value enough to be proud of having. They will want men other women want to have. And men who know their own value and are being pursued by others have no valid reason to put other women on pedestals. These kinds of men know they are the prize.
So if you let Oneitis take over your interactions and decisions by over-qualifying and over-validating a woman’s existence into your life, she immediately gets turned off and seeks for another option to be proud of. And that’s how you become the nice guy who finishes last.
2. Lack of Game On Your Part
Another reason why you’d lose a woman to that “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit after enjoying a happy start to the relationship is that you might have stopped doing the things that led you to win her over in the first place.
Too many men out there get too comfortable once they find themselves in committed relationships. They treat relationships like games — once they get to the final boss that is commitment and “win”, then that’s it. Position secured.
And what do men do when they feel that their relationship is secured for eternity?
They soften up and do less. They let themselves go. They stop being attractive to their women. They stop constantly gaming and flirting with their partners. They become less challenging and more obedient towards their girlfriends and wives to avoid arguments.
Unfortunately, what men end up finding out one way or another, after being in a stagnating sexless relationship for years and even decades, is that their position is always far from secure, thanks to female nature’s hypergamy.
But instead of taking accountability, these lazy men tend to blame their partners for not continuing to be who they used to be before; they wonder why their partners are no longer their previous playful and feminine selves that ignited the relationship from the start.
And maybe that can be true; maybe it’s the woman’s fault for you not being happy together, but unless she’s an unappreciative person who’s truly making you miserable, that shouldn’t matter.
Why?
Because it’s your duty as a man to be in control of your interactions. It’s you who has to be always leading the relationship to wherever you want it to go. If you see that the relationship is becoming sexless and too comfortable, then it’s your job to switch things up. If the relationship is making you unhappy because of her as a person, then it’s still your responsibility to get yourself out of it.
Women are happy and are attracted to men who lead them and are always dissatisfied and put off by lazy bystanders.
If you notice that there is a lack of purposeful absence, flirting, and tension on your part that naturally took place in the initial stages of the relationships, then it’s time for you to be more proactive and less predictable, in a positive manner.
Now, this doesn’t mean you’re always accountable, even for her grave mistakes or bad behavior. She still has to continue winning you over to be with a high-value man that has a lot to offer, but she’ll never have the desire to do so unless you are that high-value man who’s not an observant of his own life, relationship included.
She also needs to feel that her position is never 100% safe in order to bother with pleasing you and making you happy, which in return will make her happy and not wanting to leave at all.
3. Failing Too Many Shit Tests
In one of my articles where I’ve written everything you need to know about shit tests, I’ve explained why women tend to lose attraction and interest in men who are incapable of recognizing and dealing with shit tests.
When a woman gives you the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse, it could be a sign that you’ve been too compliant and in her Frame to the point where she sees no point in being with you. Failing shit tests consistently lets a woman intuitively know that she needs to find a more capable man who’ll be able to handle her emotional instability and provide her with security.
Sounds cruel, I know.
But women like to be challenged to remain emotionally engaged. And being too obedient kills her desire in the process.
Since a woman will most likely be completely unaware of her innate drive of shit testing, she will not be able to tell you why she’s no longer attracted — instead, she’ll take the easy way out by “blaming” it on the sudden disappearance of her feelings towards; that her interest in you just happened to fizzle out randomly.
When you understand what shit tests are, why they happen, and how to deal with them, you won’t take into consideration her vague “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse and you’ll be able to avoid diving into the mess of decyphering her erratic emotions.
You will never even put yourself in this position, to begin with.
How You Should NOT React to Her “It’s Not You, It’s Me” BS
1. Continue Contacting/Pursuing Her
The act of fixing things with a woman who doesn’t feel attracted to you is the equivalent to running in hamster wheels — you’re always going to think you’re actually working towards something when you’re not.
You will burn out.
Getting into this mentality of “I’m gonna fix things for us, hunny” might even encourage her to use the dream of a happy relationship as a dangling carrot. This might prompt a woman to find faults whenever things don’t go her way, more faults for you to fix; otherwise, this relationship isn’t going to make her happy.
This is the problem of putting yourself in a position where you’re not leading in the relationship anymore; you become a person she has to continually approve of, and then she’ll get even more turned off in the process.
If you treat her like a celebrity, she’ll treat you like a fan.
Quote by an unknown person who is obviously alpha af
Whenever you find yourself in a situation with a woman who is not sure about you, you must conduct yourself as a high-value male who has other options and pursuits in life that matter besides her.
You must let her go.
Don’t pursue her, and this will give her a chance to put the work in and get invested by pursuing you. And in case she still doesn’t do her share of relationship investment, then she was never yours, to begin with.
Cut your losses and stop wasting your time and dignity.
2. Accept the “Let’s Just Be Friends” Proposal
Another common mistake men make when they’re met with the “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit is that they accept friendship proposals by women. It’s a proposal that’s often presented when the women don’t want to lose men they’re dealing with completely but still want them their validation and attention in their lives.
The problem is that some men think accepting the “let’s just be friends” approach will give them another chance at proving themselves as good partners; a “fight for another day” plan if you will.
But that is far from the truth; once you accept being put in the friend zone, you immediately let the woman know that you’re willing to get “demoted” just to keep her presence.
You lower your value and show her that you’re willing to accept bits and pieces of a relationship.
A lot of these friend-zoned men even allow themselves to become Beta Orbiters who’ll sit there and watch the women they wanted to be with end up with other more competent men, still with the false hope that maybe these women will change their minds one day.
You may not be able to control how a woman feels about you, but you’re fully in control over the value you set for yourself as a man. You’re 100% responsible for how you let other people treat you.
If it’s not a friendship you truly want, then it’s always better to have nothing to do with her at all.
More on the problems with staying just a friend when you wanted more here.
How You Should React Instead
1. Focus On Yourself & Your Goals
When it comes to being in a relationship, a healthy degree of absence is extremely necessary to develop the kind of attraction you need to keep things between you intact. The tension of your absence and its resulting unpredictability make women always look forward to what’s next with you.
This absence will come naturally when you’re a person who prioritizes his own career and related goals in life above anything and anyone else. It’s naturally going to happen that you will need to dedicate time and energy to improve your status and living conditions.
When a sensible woman sees that, she’ll appreciate and respect you even more for focusing on your own purpose, which means she’ll appreciate and value the time between you even more whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Even if you’re not in a relationship, chasing your purpose instead of women will always push you to become a more competent man; it will raise your status and lifestyle to the point where you become that high-value man that women will later on pursue.
You may conduct yourself as high-value, but you do need to put in the work to actually be high-value.
2. Spin Other Plates
One of the best ways to avoid a lot of bullshit excuses and situations with women is to simply date more than one woman, without being deceptive about it, of course.
Dating more than one woman at once will naturally help you avoid Oneitis and its resulting scarcity mindset.
Because when you already have options, you will never fall into the trap of “The One” version of love. You will never want to bother wasting time with a woman who tells you that “it’s not you, it’s me”.
When you’re dating more than one woman, you won’t even have the need to stick around in the friendzone.
Seeing more than one woman at a time will also naturally enhance your sexual status as a man. Women will subconsciously notice your options even if they don’t see the women you’re with. They will still feel it through your mannerisms and actions when you naturally act less needy around them.
As you develop your Game dealing with multiple women, you’ll genuinely act like a man who has other options and doesn’t need to impress or over-qualify anyone else, and this will only pique the women’s interest even more to your advantage. Consequently, they’ll respect and appreciate your time knowing that there isn’t a lot of room for complacency and undesired behavior.
Lastly, spinning more plates will also give you the chance to understand female nature even more, which will help you be able to figure out what kind of person you would really want to be with when or if you ever decide to settle down in a serious relationship.
| How to Get More Dates: Eharmony
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