One of the most emotionally painful and draining relationship experiences you’re going to go through at least once is dealing with a guy you really like who doesn’t want a relationship with you.

It’s going to be a painful experience because, for a very long time, won’t be able to stop hoping to have that one perfect guy all to yourself someday.

You keep dreaming that, whatever the reason that makes him keep you around when he doesn’t want anything serious is, it’s going to one day go away and then you’d have that fairy tale ending after emotionally struggling for so long.

But it just doesn’t happen that way

So if you’re dealing that a relationship that isn’t really a relationship, then here are the main reasons why this toxic dynamic is happening to you and what you could actually do about it:

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Why Does He Keep You Around When He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?

1. He Doesn’t Know How to Be Alone

Lonely people will do desperate things sometimes, and pretending to be with someone they’re not 100% interested in is one of them.

A guy’s loneliness is always a possible reason why he keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship with you because when he isn’t into you and, at the same time, doesn’t want to lose the attention you give him, he’ll do the bare minimum to keep your attention, especially if he already knows you like him.

Guys who display this behavior usually don’t know what they want.

They’ll be extremely sweet to you for one minute and then just absolutely cold the second.

They’ll randomly call you or text you to check up on you and get you out for a date, then they’ll flake or cancel when it’s time to go on that same date.

The problem with a lot of women in this situation is that they get frustrated yet continue hoping that guys who act that way to just magically stop being flaky and inconsistent.

Some women, in their minds, keep holding on to these previous rare moments when that same guy was actually sweet, considering, and a little more consistent back then, and then they make the mistake of waiting for things to go back to where they were.

But what these same women don’t realize is, the fact that they’re patient with this kind of behavior actually enables it even further.

The truth is a guy who doesn’t know how to be alone is also a guy who doesn’t have strong values and principles to get anything serious going.

He’ll never stick to his words because the moment he finds someone else who makes him less lonely, he’ll most likely forget about you and move on to that next one.

And you don’t need to deal with any of that.

What you need to do in a situation like that, without displaying any strong emotion or frustration on your part, is showing him that you don’t deal with his BS.

Keep it extremely nice and short. Be distant.

Don’t tell him, show him.

Show him no attention and don’t entertain any excuses.

You cannot deal with a guy who’s constantly on the fence when it comes to you.

He either puts in the work to get a healthy relationship going or he’s out, there should be no in-between.

2. He’s Into You, Just Physically

Physical attraction is the first thing men look for in any sort of romantic relationship.

If a guy is attracted to you and you both enjoy being intimate with one another, then the basic foundation of your relationship is there, which is always a good sign.

However, there’s always the possibility that this intimacy is all you’re ever going to have in this relationship.

A reason why he could keep you around when he doesn’t want a relationship is that there’s no need for him to push things beyond the physical relationship you’re going through.

Contrary to what most women in this position think: it doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks less of you; it could simply mean that he is happy with the current situation and he isn’t seeking something more.

But of course you have your own desires and feelings as well, so if you’re not happy with this situation, you just ultimately don’t have to be there.

If you have been seeing each other for a long time and want something more serious, then at least you have to see whether or not this is something he’d explore later on.

He might not have to make the decision on the spot — that wouldn’t be reasonable for such a big decision, but he needs to understand that a relationship is what you’re ultimately looking for.

Once you’ve made your intentions clear, then he also needs reciprocate and do the same for you, so you don’t waste your time and feelings hoping for something that will never happen.

Now, if you’ve already had this conversation before and he keeps coming up with BS excuses as to why he isn’t ready, and then you choose to continue staying with him, then it’s not really his fault at that point — you’re the one continuing to put yourself in a situation that makes you unhappy.

At this point, you have to understand that it is what it is, not what you have hoped it to be.

You have to be very grounded in reality and understand that you two simply want different things.

The best course of action in this case is to let the guy know that you’re no longer interested in just having a physical relationship, and that you’re only considering having a serious commitment.

The point here isn’t to offer him an ultimatum; pressuring someone to be committed to you isn’t something you want either. You want the decision to be made based on genuine interest and not out of fear of loss. Otherwise, you will never have a happy version of him should a relationship actually happen.

What you’re actually doing is leaving the ball in his court, moving on, and only making yourself available for the type of relationship you want to have.

3. He’s a Commitment-phobe

Fear of commitments is a real issue that prevents a lot of potential great relationships from ever happening, and you need to be able to spot that early on.

Because how often do you realize that a little too late?

You see this great guy who is just perfect; he’s good in bed, great listener, considerate, has an awesome sense of humor, and you always have a nice time just being around him.

Then one day when you’re on of those romantic dates with him, and as you’re enjoying talking to him, you get a little extra curious about what it’s like really dating him, so you ask him, “what are you looking for?”

And then, he hits you with the “I’m not into commitments.”

This response, right there, sinks your heart with disappointment.

So instead of just understanding that the guy isn’t for you, you might end up wanting to dig in deeper into his fear of commitment, because he’s a great guy and you don’t want to lose him.

And there are a million reasons why a guy could be fearing commitments; it might have to do with his upbringing, past relationships, or perspective on healthy relationships in general.

Whatever the case may be, it has nothing to do with you.

You’re not the cause of his problems, so there’s no reason for you to try to correct his situation if a commitment is what you’re looking for.

Because what sometimes happens, especially with the younger girls, is that they indirectly try to convince the guy that they’re worth committing to — that they will “fix” his problem and then be with him.

But in reality, you can never really do that.

Even if you manage to change his outlook on commitment, you’re most likely just going to postpone the problem for later.

You cannot fix someone else.

The only person you can fix is you. The only person he can fix is him.

So if he keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship after already telling you he doesn’t want a commitment, something you already know you want, then you’re only wasting your time that could have been spent with someone else who wants the same thing you do.

Never bother trying to change someone’s mind about being with you.

You’re better than that.

4. He’s Just Not Ready

Meeting the right person at the wrong time is one of the most unfortunate relationship problems you’ll ever have.

It could be very frustrating when the chemistry, attraction, and understanding between you and another guy are just right, yet you can’t be with him anyway.

And that’s not necessarily because he’s fearing commitments or stringing you along, it could be simply because he’s already dealing with other pursuits in life that will interfere with long-term and steady relationships.

That could be working elsewhere, unsteady nature of his job, logistical changes in the future, or any major personal problems that would make him not being attentive in a relationship.

Sometimes it’s just not anyone’s fault, but life just panned out that way.

If you don’t stop this relationship from progressing, what will end up happening is, because you do love each other a lot, you both end up together without really being together.

And that’s always exciting and fun in the beginning — you might just understand that it is what it is; to enjoy the moments you have together while you’re still there.

But then it becomes more of a problem when you both have invested too much in this hypothetical relationship.

You end up unhappy and frustrated, but not with him, but with the unfair circumstances you both have to deal with.

It’s one of those situations that teach you how important is not to get into such an experience unless either you’re in control enough to take this short experience for what it is or the timing is right for both of you.

5. You’re Too Invested & He Takes You For Granted

Being too invested is always going to be a valid reason why he keeps around when he doesn’t want a relationship.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with investing a lot. There’s nothing even wrong with you investing a little more than he does.

Healthy relationships don’t have just one fixed emotional investment ratio to work. It doesn’t have to be 50-50.

But you also need to be practical and sensible about how much you’re giving and how much he is pursuing you.

If you’re dealing with a guy who doesn’t really care about you and puts in minimal work just to keep you guessing and hoping, then no amount of effort on your part is going to change that.

In fact, you choosing to remain in this situation is still an investment, and he knows that.

You’d be letting him know that the minimal effort is all you need for him to keep things going.

And if you let him know that you don’t need much for him to keep seeing and talking to you, why would he ever go that extra mile and go for a relationship with you?

If you’re okay with him doing too little to nothing compared to what you do, why would he bother pursuing you?

You cannot pursue what’s already in front of you.

So if you’re reading this and can relate, it’s time to you slowly and intelligently remove your presence from this dynamic.

Give him the space, enough distance for him to pursue you.

And if he never puts in some effort, then it would be time for you to reconsider the point of this relationship.

6. He Hasn’t Gotten Over His Ex

Here’s a rule every person dating and look for a relationship should follow:

Always ask about your date’s ex(es) and see where they stand with them. It doesn’t have to happen on the first date, but you could incorporate past relationship questions subtly in the middle of your conversations to see how your date thinks.

And you shouldn’t be persistent or patronizing when asking about his past. It should come across to him as you just getting to know him without any specific purpose in mind.

There point of indirectly and subtly asking these kinds of questions is to gauge his interest in his previous relationships with his exes based on his reaction.

As he starts responding to these questions, there are things you need to look out for:

When he speaks about his past relationships, does he seem still very emotionally invested in one or more of them? Or does it seem like he’s just nonchalant and telling you his story?

Does he rant about his exes like he still sees them or does he just consider them past experiences?

Women are naturally good at reading between the lines, so utilize that to see where he’s at before pursuing anything meaningful with him.

Because if you don’t pick up on the right cues, what ends up happening is you’ll end up with a guy who keeps around when he doesn’t want a relationship because he has never moved on from his past relationship to explore a new one with you.

He’ll be either waiting for the ex to come back to him to one day and so he’s just passing time with you or he is carrying a lot emotional conflicts that haven’t been settled yet.

Dealing with a guy who is still living in his past will bring in emotional baggage and problems that you’ll be forced to deal with.

Again, you can not fix someone else. No matter how amazing or loving you are.

7. You’re Coming Off As Insecure & Controlling

It’s hard to pursue something that limits your freedom, and a controlling relationship is exactly just that.

A lot of relationships never even start because the guy feels the woman he’s dating is too territorial or demanding.

And this will definitely apply if you’re dealing with an attractive guy who knows he can get girls. He’ll be less willing to stop seeing other women just to be with one who’s not so secure about herself that she has to hassle him with questions like, “what are you doing tonight?”, “who have you been with?”, and “who’s that in your IG story?”

Of course, you could be reading this and think, “well, that’s not me!”

But you have to pay attention to those little and subtle jealousy-moments and be honest with your approach.

Do you ask him about his whereabouts a little too often when you’re not even together yet?

Do you ask him about other girls he’s dealing with or even in pictures with on social media?

Do you keep pointing out or asking why he’s not making time for you?

Do you have arguments or tension about him not putting much effort to keep you?

These questions will help you figure out that if you’re not together, you shouldn’t really be dealing with him like you’re together already.

When a guy has to deal with someone who sort of acts like they’re together when they’re not, he immediately feels restricted, as if it’s way too soon to even approach this connection with that kind of energy.

And if you’re having this situation, this tension can easily escalate to arguments or misunderstandings that can further push him away from you.

Nobody wants to deal with that, especially if he’s not even in a commitment yet.

So if this situation applies to you, then understanding that he isn’t really yours at the moment will definitely help.

You should also start dating others and keep yourself busy doing other things that interest you.

When you’re productive and having other options to deal with, you’ll naturally lose this “commit to me now!” vibe, and you’ll be more fun, chill, and playful to whoever you’re dealing with.

That positive vibe is necessary to make a guy want to see and be with you on a more regular basis.

8. He’s Not Sure if You’re Serious About Him

Unlike the last point, you could be giving this vibe that you’re not really into anything serious at all, and that’s why he just keeps you around when he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

If you’re too chill and easygoing, then there won’t be any sense of urgency on his part to make him feel that you really want this relationship, especially if he has other people he’s dating.

Guys are usually content with sleeping around and having multiple experiences at once. Women are usually the ones who have to push a little for relationships.

If a serious relationship is what you really want, then it won’t just fall on your lap.

You have to communicate that this is something you want, even if it makes you nervous just having this conversation with him.

A lot of women out there are afraid to nicely communicate exactly what they’re looking for. Instead, they’ll just hope the guy gets the hint and ask them for commitment.

But that doesn’t always happen because most guys don’t have it in them by default to seek monogamy, so it’s a task that you should be looking at.

Otherwise, you’ll end up frustrated for him not doing that specific thing he doesn’t know you want him to do, then consequently and without realizing, you might display passive-aggressive behaviors that will push him away for good.

You must always be ready to calmly let him know of your needs and expectations.

Without you communicating basic requirements, you only invite misunderstandings and arguments over into the new relationship.

9. There’s Someone Else in the Picture

Having someone else involved is always going to be a common reason why a guy keeps a woman around when he doesn’t want a relationship with her.

Sometimes when a guy is too distracted to focus on you, it’s because he’s already invested in someone else.

You could just be a backup in case a relationship doesn’t happen with his main priority.

You could also be a rebound because of that ex or simply a girl he likes but not to the point where he’s going to only explore a relationship with you like he would with the other girl.

It’s very common these days for people to have side chicks, side dudes, “complicated” friends with benefits, and all of these half-relationships that could have manifested incorrectly purely out of lust.

Not that there’s any problem with having these relationships, but there’s no point getting into them if you’re not emotionally mature enough to handle them.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to directly know if this case applies to you unless either he’s honest enough to tell you or the truth just reveals itself, but you don’t always have to wait until that truth unravels.

All you need to know is that the guy you want is just emotionally distant and too distracted to commit to you. The actual details are none of your concern.

Always avoid getting yourself wrapped up in stories that takes up your peace of mind without adding value to you.

What you see is what you get.

You don’t have to be kept around as a backup when you want the real deal.

When dealing with this case, just thank him for the good experiences (if any) and bounce off this mess while your dignity is still intact.

10. He’s Just a Player

That’s exactly how he lured you in.

He’s that smooth player who has whispered some sweet nothings in your ear, made you think that this exciting roller-coaster is going somewhere, only for you to find out that it’s just a routine of his that he applies to all the girls he likes.

You just happen to be one of them.

It always sucks figuring out, after a while of being attached, that you were never that special after all.

Now, depending how level-headed you are, you might either recognize the situation for what it is and cut your losses to move on or remain in this emotional maze and try to get him attached to you.

A lot of women out there choose to “tame” the player and try to make him their own.

Unfortunately, if you think that way, you’d only be thinking with your ego — you’d be more concerned about being that one special girl who manages to convert the player.

But players gonna play.

Unless you’re not looking for something serious and just want to enjoy an experimental relationship that’s just all about lust, excitement, and short-term fun, then you have to understand that it’s pointless trying to change a player into a settle-down kind of guy.

Even if it works, it will only be a matter of time before his player instincts kick in and disappoint you.

If a stable relationship is what you truly want, then you must avoid players at all costs no matter how fun, smooth, and sweet they are.

11. You’re Not Showing Relationship Qualities

This one is going to need a lot of self-awareness and being truly honest to yourself.

And this only applies if you’re dealing with a very high-value man who is on-point and knows what he wants.

If you’re into a guy like that, then him keeping you around when he doesn’t want a relationship could be down to the fact that you haven’t given him any reason to pursue something serious.

A lot of women make the mistake of thinking that good intimacy and being sweet is all a top-shelf man needs to consider having a long-term and monogamous relationship.

But if you think about it objectively, if the guy you’re dealing with is very successful, has a lot of great qualities, and goes after what he wants, then he most likely has a lot of dating options.

Lots of options being and acting the same way.

So it’s going to be difficult standing out as that one and only special woman he should stick to for the rest of his life.

If he’s interested in having a family and has expressed that at one point, then the issue here might not be him at all. It could be about what you’re actually doing for him.

With a guy like that, it’s not always about chemistry, company, and intimacy. Sometimes, you have to be special for him to see you as special, and it’s definitely not about your job and how much you earn as well, that’s for sure.

High-value men always look for value that help them become better version of themselves, and when it’s time for them to settle down and have children, they will always want to be with a woman who does her best to help him in his pursuits.

So make sure, if he’s looking for a serious relationship, that you’re actually providing, dedicating, and focusing on how to help him with his goals, things a lot of women nowadays are simply too proud to do. Which is why they never do get those special guys and keep attracting low-to-average guys they’re not really that attracted to.

Be on your man’s team.

12. He Doesn’t Know What You Want

Most men aren’t that good at picking up hints and reading between the lines as much as women are.

What happens a lot in potential relationships is that sometimes some women wait for the guy to just initiate that serious relationship, so they skip around dropping hints here and there, hoping that the guy understands what they want.

And not only do the guys not get those subtle hints and games, but women can also end up feeling rejected for not getting what they want, and then blame the guys for not magically understanding their intentions.

This problem, which is more common than people would like to think, is easily avoided and fixed by clear communication on your part.

There’s nothing wrong with letting a guy know that a relationship is what you’re looking for, and that short and less serious experiences aren’t that interesting to you.

As much as that would make you vulnerable and fearful of rejection, it’s also much better than investing in something that isn’t what you’re looking for.

Remember, again, most men aren’t wired to go for relationships unless they see the woman really want that.

Most men won’t even have the relationship talk unless you start it.

So always save your time and efforts by confronting unclear situations head on.

13. He Doesn’t Want Anyone Else to Be with You

A lot of immature and selfish boys will be too jealous to just let you go, if you allow yourself to remain in contact with them.

If you get involved with a territorial guy who doesn’t know what he wants, he will keep you around even though he doesn’t really want a relationship.

Because he knows that if you’re not with him, you’re going to move on and eventually find someone else, so he’ll do whatever her can to make sure you stay focused on him, without actually being with you.

And as long as you’re responsive to him, he’ll feel like you’re still “there” and not need to pursue you any further.

Once you get fed up and pull back away from him, he starts to invest a little more to make sure he’s still on your mind.

And once he gets that validation from you, that you still miss him or want him, that’s when he pulls back again.

Boys, not men, will always play these childish games because they’re not mature enough to know the difference between something that is a work in progress and something that just doesn’t and should be left alone.

They don’t let go of what doesn’t work because of fear of loss, being directionless, and easily being swayed by their own emotions.

They want to be liked no matter what and can’t stand the idea of someone just forgetting about them and moving on.

They’ll also be jealous, insecure, and irrational when dealing with you talking to other guys.

They will fool around with other girls and get upset at you for just talking to another dude that isn’t him, even though he made it quite clear that he’s “not ready for a commitment right now.”

However, again, this is only a situation you’ll be in if you accept being strung along aimlessly.

Always maintain your self-respect and freedom by having strong boundaries when it comes to relationships that aren’t clear and constructive.

Every relationship is going to have a phase where not everything makes sense, especially in the beginning, and that’s totally fine. You need to go through these processes with the guy you want to figure out how you both are going to work together.

But that irritating “grey area” shouldn’t be the foundation of the relationship. You shouldn’t have to be confused about what the man wants right from the start and forever. You need to know what he’s about, and if he’s about games, then you need to stop making excuses and sense of things that take away your peace of mind

Do What’s Best For You

When it really comes down to what’s best for you, again, the reason why a guy keeping you around when he doesn’t want a relationship doesn’t matter at all compared to the end result: you getting or not getting what you want.

Being considerate and compromising with the guy you’re in a relationship with could be great and should be done within reason, every once in a while.

But that’s if the guy is in an actual relationship with you.

Anything that doesn’t make you happy shouldn’t be something you have to be forced to deal with.

Always make sure you’re dealing with a man who knows what he wants and wants to give you what you need before further investing your precious time and energy into supporting him and being with him.

You attract what you are, so make sure you keep your expectations high and your boundaries strong. Only then you’d be able to attract what you exactly want.

Looking for actionable tips for building attraction and getting a commitment from the man you desire?

Then I highly encourage you to check out the extremely informative “His Secret Obsession” guide.

Why Does He Keep Me Around When He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?