---

At best, unconditional love is a blank cheque for bores; at worst, it gives those who are inclined to behave abusively an absolute open season. — Julie Burchill

---

Unconditional love means loving wholeheartedly, and loving wholeheartedly is loving with no limitations and judgment — to cherish with complete acceptance.

This form of love encourages having complete trust and faith in a partner regardless of any conditions or circumstances. It’s the kind of love people nowadays seek inspiration from and dream of having.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is usually viewed as selfish, flat, and unfulfilling. It’s to love with boundaries and within reason. It’s a form of love that’s less romantic and more rational and calculating.

This can be true to a certain extent, but in the world we live in, a world that’s outside of novels and movies where conflicts, imperfections, and routines form a huge part of our daily lives, unconditional love may not give us the tools we need to deal with an unscripted companionship.

Here are three main points on how unconditional love is actually detrimental to the health of our relationships and happiness.

 

How Unconditional Love Ruins Relationships

 

 

 

1. Unconditional Romantic Love Is Shortsighted

Unconditional love is a form of romantic love, and just like romantic love, it has a huge emphasis on the beginnings of relationships — the infatuation phase.

Romantic unconditional love is all about the novelty of being with someone; when your mind is at its most irrational state and its dopamine system is fully activated.

You see someone, and then your brain tells you this is the one for you; that’s romantic love.

You get to know that someone and you want to make them happy no matter what; that’s the romantic unconditional love.

But have you ever noticed how romanticism and unconditional love are depicted in our current forms of art and literature?

In a romantic comedy, it’s always about how the characters met and maybe one or two of their first arguments. That’s it.

Never once do you see a movie about a couple who have been together for 10 years doing what married people do on a daily basis. No daily chores or annoying arguments. No just sitting there saying nothing and watching TV in their underwears with balls hanging out.

And why is that?

Probably because, after the infatuation phase, nobody cares about the mundane boring activities that you’re actually left with. Everybody wants to celebrate the novelty and beginnings, but not the actual commitment that needs the work.

But what’s a one to two-year-old honeymoon phase going to be compared to the rest of a long-term relationship? A tiny fraction.

Moreover, unconditional love sounds nice and tempting during the honeymoon phase. It sounds and feels right when you meet the one and you’re lovestruck. You just want to make them happy no matter what.

Now try applying unconditional love consistently in a 50-year-old relationship that has been packed with arguments, disappointments, and tension. It will be less tempting. After 50 years, the urge to consistently make the other person happy no matter the costs can become tedious and daunting.

Point is: romantic unconditional love isn’t intended for long-term investments; it’s only nice in the shiniest part of the relationship — the beginning. This sort of love is based on the assumption that everything will go just fine from there if you just fully trust the process and hope for the best.

Shortsighted.

What you need to maintain a very long-term relationship is conditional love. You need to be fully aware of what you’re getting yourself into to be able to handle the differences and disputes that never really show up in the romantic honeymoon phase; when everyone is at their best behavior.

Real love isn’t the exciting first date or the one-time “surprising” proposal. It’s when you are making breakfast for your partner for the 3,000th time while reminding them that their balls are hanging out of their underwear and that the kids don’t really need to see that.

2. Unconditional Love Holds You Back

Let’s agree on one thing: the only way you can grow as a human being is by giving yourself the time and space you need to develop. That’s obvious, right?

But in order to have the time and opportunities to improve as a person, you must prioritize your own time, at least temporarily, above anyone else’s. Anything you pursue will always come at the expense of something else.

A successful career will come at the expense of a hyperactive social life. A long-term relationship instead of unpredictable dating prospects. Stability and a sense of belonging ahead of complete freedom and adventures.

You’re going to have to trade one thing for another, and that’s perfectly fine.

In a healthy functioning long-term relationship, your alone time will surely be more limited than that of a single person. But you’ll know that you’ll be compromising flexibility and freedom in exchange for companionship before you sign up for the commitment.

Also in a healthy relationship, you and your partner will understand the importance of giving each other time and space you both need for the sake of self-development and growing together.

But you can only do that when you love each other conditionally; when you love yourself first and then your partner second.

Because if you practice unconditional love or are in a relationship with someone who does, you will lose the balance between your time and time with your partner.

People who believe in unconditional love often get so attached to their lovers that they lose themselves in the process. The world revolves around their lovers.

This sort of love can be flattering for the less intense lover at the beginning of the relationship, but it becomes frustrating as the relationship progresses. The less intense lover can feel pressure when they’d feel that they’re not on the same wavelength as their more intense partners. Even worse, they feel guilty for wanting to isolate themselves from their partners at times.

It doesn’t just end there, the person who practices unconditional love will also notice the difference in their priorities. Consequently, they will most likely feel lonely, unappreciated, and confused.

“I’m giving you my all. Why aren’t you doing the same?”

Unconditional love does not see the difference between you, your partner, and your relationship. Unconditional love sees them all as one big love bubble that has to be constantly stuffed with attention and care, or else life will just be a bad place to be in.

Relationship Stagnation 

“Unconditional lovers” tend to, with good intentions, think of what’s best for their partners first and then themselves second.

Unconditional love convinces people to leave their well-paying jobs to settle with their loved ones who live elsewhere. They happily abandon a certain lifestyle and home to accommodate themselves to their partner’s living conditions. They will do anything just to be with them.

Going out of their way becomes a habit instead of a carefully calculated give-and-take process.

But if you leave everything behind to be with a person, you change the original dynamics of the relationship. You sign up for a disaster that can be difficult to recover from in the long run.

Remember that the reason why a person would fall for you in the first place is who you were when they first met you. Your ambitions. How the friendships you have contributed to who you are. Your hobbies. How your current lifestyle formulates the way you think and act. Your state when they met you.

Your frame.

Once you put everything behind in the name of love, you lose the essence of who you are. You are no longer the person your partner fell for, and that extreme change in your frame can hurt the stability of your relationship. It holds you back.

At best, unconditional love forces the relationship to stagnate then decline after the honeymoon phase. There’s nothing to look forward to anymore when you give someone everything you have and forget yourself in the process.

You’re figured out, which is exactly why you need to grow to provide constant stimulation for the relationship.

Conditional love, on the other hand, cultivates the awareness you need to maintain the right balance between your life and the life you have with your partner.

The right form of love also reminds you to appreciate who you are as an individual and focus on who you want to become as a person regardless of who you’re with.

You have to put yourself first for the sake of the relationship because you are the reflection of your relationship.

You grow, the relationship grows.

Compromise for the sake of your relationship when you really need to, but always maintain your frame because it’s what gets you the relationship in the first place.

At the end of the day, there’s always a chance of you losing your partner, but with the right mindset and form of love, you can never lose yourself—the person you need first and foremost to be in any sort of relationship.

3. Unconditional Love Reinforces Flaws

At best, unconditional love doesn’t understand flaws. At worst, it doesn’t even see them.

That within itself, ironically, is a major flaw.

When approaching a long-term relationship, hopeless romantics tend to skip all the apparent red flags for the sake of continuing their obsessive investments. They’re too in love with that they will happily ignore all warnings and logic to keep the pursuit going.

“So what if he has a very bad temper? It’s his flaw. We’re all not perfect and I love him the way he is,” says the hopeless romantic.

Sounds good on paper, but is it practical?

Loving someone unconditionally will prevent you from differentiating between threatening red flags and cute silly quirks. You can easily become oblivious to certain qualities that can be threatening to your peace of mind.

Even as the relationship progresses, even after seeing and understanding the flaws in your partner, unconditional love teaches you to ignore them anyway.

Love someone no matter what and you won’t stand your ground when you have to. You won’t say no when you need to. Fear of losing your partner will take over and drive the relationship backward. It’s the perfect setup for emotional abuse and reinforcing bad behavior.

When unconditional love takes over, you basically tell your partner, “Look, I’m afraid of losing you, so I’m going to accept you doing whatever you want. I may complain every once in a while, but I have put everything into this. I’m not prepared to face the consequences if this doesn’t work out.”

Even if you don’t clearly say that your partner will act accordingly.

If you keep up with the sacrificial love that’s based on fear of loss, at one point your partner will take advantage of you, no matter how good they are. That’s the nature of us as humans: we’re imperfect and we do bad things when we’re not kept in check.

---

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. — Tony Gaskins.

---

Conditional Love Is The Way To Go

In short: conditional love is the most intelligent form of love. It’s aware, mature, and responsible.

It may be less magical than the unconditional love that we’ve always read about, but life is not a novel or a romantic movie. Unconditional love only works if we’re flawless (fictional) and if we’re guaranteed a happy ending (scripted).

Conditional love also brings honesty and genuineness into the relationship by being present and attentive to what you and your partner realistically need.

It’s not about hoping for the best just because you’ve promised or it’s how it should be. It’s about understanding that if things aren’t working out, you must give both of you another chance at having a truly fulfilling and healthy relationship with other people. Furthermore, having that in mind always maintains respect and keeps you and your partner self-aware.

The end game isn’t lasting forever, but truly enjoying it while it lasts, hopefully forever.

---

How to Get More Dates: Eharmony Looking for the most practical way to talk to new people and set up dates with them? I’d suggest exploring your potential matches through eharmony, one of the most successful and commonly used dating platforms today. Online dating is a numbers game that gives you access to many new dates at once, so sign up here to start matching.

---