Do you think you can’t live without this one specific person in your life?
Well, I’ve got news for you: you’ve got Oneitis.
Do you keep intensely thinking about that one person who got away or rejected you months and years later after they left?
Most probably, you’ve got Oneitis.
Do you feel like that one person out there is the reason why you’re happy?
That’s definitely Oneitis.
Are you in an abusive relationship but don’t want to leave because you love your partner so much?
Yep, that’s right. Oneitis.
Are you waiting for that one soulmate who’s going to be just right for you and change your life?
Seems like you already got the symptoms for Oneitis.
Men who don’t understand what kind of sickness Oneitis tend to make the same goddamn mistakes in their dating lives over and over again. Those same errors that either put them in the friend zone right off the bat or kill the relationships they’re in.
Because of how we’ve become socially programmed in the last few decades, we tend to approach relationships in ways that reinforce Oneitis; we’re told we’re supposed to do and say the all “right” things to be in and keep good relationships, but what ends up happening to most of us men is that we get ignored, frustrated, and disappointed for not getting the results we’ve been hoping for after our investments.
Instead, we see all these “bad” and evil assholes effortlessly get all the dating options we’ve tried so hard to win over.
Those unromantic selfish assholes. These sexually-driven animals. Hmph.
But some of us still watch these so-called bad boys getting what a lot of us would like to have and wonder, “why is it that they do absolutely nothing yet get all the women we like? Is this what I have to become to have a successful relationship? A heartless man who only thinks of himself and his desires?”
Well, unfortunately, the answer is: yes and no.
No, you don’t have to become someone you’re really not to get the kind of relationship you want, but yes, you still need to get rid of that one disease these bad men don’t have.
You need to get cured of your Oneitis.
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What Is Oneitis & How Do You Cure It?
So What Is This Oneitis You Speak Of?
In short, Oneitis is believing in “The One” and then acting accordingly.
It’s thinking that there is one special person designed for everyone. It’s thinking you have a soulmate somewhere out there who is going to meet you at the right time and place, and then change your whole life — maybe even give it more meaning and purpose.
Oneitis is waiting months and years for that one single person to show up and complete you. It’s living an entire life believing that you are unfulfilled and will continue to be until The One is introduced as that last piece of the puzzle that is your life.
It is naively idealizing someone and holding them to unrealistic standards; perfect standards that contradict human nature and its obvious glaring flaws. In fact, it’s being so ignorant of a human’s imperfections and accepting them no matter the costs, even if they are clearly physically or mentally harmful for you.
Oneitis is an idealization that hides you from the necessary challenges you need to become a more competent man by having you believe that The One will take you for who you are, no questions asked. That all you have to do is just be yourself for your connection to blossom and become fulfilling.
It is the absence of responsibility, maturity, and practicality in a relationship, and when you lack these attributes in a connection with another human being who’s just as flawed as you are, you are basically fucked.
What Are the Symptoms of Oneitis?
1. You’ve Become Needy and Jealous
If you’re scared to lose that “special” individual; you’ll always innately become wary of any potential threats that could come your way. And with that kind of mindset, trust me, everything’s going to be a threat.
You’ll start acting irrationally whenever you lose a woman’s attention momentarily; something that you can’t really control. You’ll have a hard time stopping yourself from stalking her social media profiles and messages if accessible, just to make sure she’s not going anywhere.
You’ll constantly find yourself gauging her interest and making sure you do whatever it takes to bring it back up whenever it goes down, and this constant worry over losing The One will end up with you coming across as a suffocating and an insecure individual who’s forcing attraction to take place when it’s supposed to come naturally.
Your obsession over her will replace any positive habits and image you’ve maintained that initially brought her to you in the first place. The negativity and drama that come with being insecure, needy, and jealous will spoil the natural desire that formed the initial “spark”, and so it becomes a matter of time before your underlying fears become reality — before you get dumped, cheated on, or both.
2. You’ve Become A Doormat
Anyone suffering from Oneitis will have problems setting boundaries and commanding respect in a relationship.
As a person who’s putting someone on a pedestal and value her more than any human being should actually deserve, you will always feel powerless and unable to say no when you really need to.
You will also always want to please your girl and make her too comfortable out of that fear of loss, and as we all should know; there’s a certain degree of discomfort and tension that have to take place and even maintained for attraction to be developed.
Because when you have no tension, you have no respect. When you have no respect, you have no attraction. When you have no attraction, you have no healthy relationship.
And people with Oneitis never have healthy relationships, they only have relationship bosses they’re forced to follow.
3. You’re Allowing Abuse & Toxic Habits to Take Place
When you make it clear to anyone that you’re not prepared to lose them no matter what–that you can’t live without their presence whether it was positively or negatively influencing you, you immediately plant the toxic seeds in your connection.
Once you let someone know that you’re going to do “whatever it takes” to be with her, then this will obviously include forgiving mistakes here and there just to keep the peace and love between you two.
The thing is: an unchecked mistake that’s forgiven out of love once will only come back harder later on. And when these faults come about by The One, and trust me, they will come, you will be expected to forgive and forget because that’s the same thing you did before.
Otherwise, you’re breaking your promise of not doing whatever it takes to make her feel loved and happy.
As human beings, not just women, we’ll happily push and remove any boundaries as long as we remain unchecked for our own comfort and benefit; it’s unavoidable.
It’s your responsibility to set rules and maintain standards for how you should be treated. Not doing so will not only get you emotionally and possibly physically abused by your one and only, but you’ll also be the one to take the blame for not accepting the abuse as initially promised.
4. You’re Making One Person Your Main Source of Happiness
Never put all your eggs in one basket, and this same rule applies for relationships: Never make a single person the only source of happiness you’ve got.
When you subscribe to “The One” idea of love, you automatically find less value in everything else that has nothing to do with that person you love. It just becomes a matter of time before her priorities replace yours and her happiness becomes yours.
This is why men lose their friends, hobbies, scholarships, and even jobs when they get into an emotional commitment. They put too much value in their relationships that they let their “partnership” consume them by defining who they are and how they should go about their lives.
Of course, it’s understandable if you face temporary discontent by someone who means a lot to you, especially if it’s a long term relationship that you have been investing in emotionally for a long time. You’re a human being after all.
But there’s a fine line between the momentary displeasure that comes during and after an argument with your woman and completely being lost and unstable when she’s not happy with you.
Once you realize that your world is becoming completely centered around who you are with, then it’s time re-evaluate your priorities and make sure you get that Oneitis out of your system, or else the cruel inevitable reality will teach you when it’s too late — when you’ve lost both yourself and your girl.
For tips on successfully navigating through the dating world, then I highly recommend checking out this life-changing book “The Rational Male” by the brilliant Rollo Tomassi.
This book has definitely changed how I see relationships in general. It has helped me fully realize the dating mistakes that I used to make in the past and why I’ve made them. It has also given me a better understanding of the intergender dynamics and invaluable lessons that would normally take years and a lot of punishment to figure out.
I’ve written a book review that you can find here.
5. You Keep Giving & Pursuing Selflessly & Mindlessly
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the act of receiving attention and affection is what attracts us to others, but it’s the act of giving and pursuing that keep us invested and engaged in relationships.
And this is the problem with people who have Oneitis; they treat desire like it’s a bar to be filled with attention and love; that once it’s filled to a certain threshold, then it should be enough to magically convince a person to want to be with and keep them.
But attraction is not a business transaction; it doesn’t work like that.
What we do understand and appreciate are challenging rewards. Once we pursue something that’s difficult to attain, we get invested in our pursuit so much that we appreciate what we have once we get it, and this is what a relationship with you should be like–assuming you’re doing your part as a high-value man, of course.
Once we understand that it’s easy to lose what we have, then it becomes easier to work harder to keep it, and that should also apply to you as a man. You should be easy to lose and harder to keep if you’re a high-quality individual.
6. You’re Always Controlled by a Scarcity Mindset
Oneitis is synonymous with adopting a scarcity mindset, and such a negative mindset is always driven by the fear of loss, rejection, and the costs of progression.
People who carry a scarcity mindset find it difficult to live in the present with contentment. They’re always worried about losing what they already have and concerned about what they don’t have yet, and guess what this way of thinking leads to?
That’s right, loss.
When you’re driven by fear, you’re never going to act and think rationally enough to see what’s best for you.
So when you’re with someone who’s not right for you, your scarcity mindset will tell you that there’s just no one else for you out there; that you should stick with this person as she’s the best you can do.
Your scarcity mindset will also tell you that it’s okay and maybe even right to be with someone you don’t love because of the kids, costs of separation or divorce, or the heat you’d have to deal with to be free of a caging unromantic life.
Your scarcity mindset can maybe even convince you to stay “just friends” with someone you actually want in case they change their mind about friend-zoning you, even if they call you late every night to tell you all about their romantic and sexual pursuits involving other men.
7. You Believe in Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is one of the most common reasons why relationships fail and a definite sign you’re suffering from Oneitis.
Unconditional love is an unrealistic form of romantic love that seeks perfection in relationships; the kind of perfection that can only be attained in those romantic movies and novels we hope to emulate in real life. This type of love exists in these forms of literature where actual decisions, time investments, and organic human progressions are pretty much nonexistent.
And this love has no answers for the real human qualities such as greed, pride, and selfishness that you’re going to have to deal with if you want to deal with anyone.
To trust in an impractical form of love that has only been introduced just two or three centuries ago is being ignorant of the darker side of human nature, and that always will set you up for heartbreak and disappointments.
We all need a healthy degree of ego and selfishness to maintain self-respect and boundaries — two things genuine desire and attraction heavily thrive and depend on. Two things you can’t have in a relationship based on unconditional love.
But How Do You Cure Oneitis?
1. Maintaining an Abundance Mindset
Adopting an Abundance Mindset is knowing your own worth and understanding that there’s never a shortage of opportunities for your goals, as long as you’re always putting the work in to create these opportunities you wish to have.
Generally, when you come from a place of abundance in relationships, you’re always going to maintain high standards and expectations of how people should act towards you. You’ll find no convincing reason to excuse a woman for majorly disrespecting you or attempting to lower your value, and that means you’ll have no problem checking her or walking away from a relationship whenever things turn too sour.
Women notice when you do have this abundance mindset–they may not define or tell what it exactly is, but they will always feel this positive outlook towards life and towards yourself when you have it, and this outlook is only truly maintained by high-value men who have something to offer that most others don’t.
Once you do achieve this mindset and act accordingly, you’ll notice that women will want to pursue you more, which means you’ll feel less inclined to frantically chase her, which means you end up having her operate in your Frame.
An Abundance Mindset in action looks like this:
She makes an effort to keep you and you like her? Great!
She doesn’t want to put in the work to keep you around and feels entitled to your investments? No problem, next!
She wants you to stay as a friend be her emotional tampon for the “foreseeable future”? Tough luck honey, ain’t got time for that.
She keeps giving you a hard time and it seems like no matter what you do, she can’t be happy? Well, time for her to find a new victim then.
She keeps threatening you that she’ll file for divorce and take the house if you don’t listen to her? Time for some secret researching/lawyering up to do and see if we can kick her to the curb.
In short, Oneitis makes it hard for women to pursue and appreciate you but an Abundance Mindset makes it easy for them to look forward to and respect your presence.
| If you’re seeking a guide on developing that abundance mindset, the right mindset, to start attracting the perfect opportunities, interactions, and then dealing with them correctly, then I highly recommend checking out “The Abundance Mindset” guide. |
2. Expand Your Circle
Having a circle of friends and plates to spin is always going to help in curing your Oneitis and strengthen your Abundance Mindset.
Even if you’re an introvert like myself who prefers solitude most of the time, we still need a buffer of social activity taking place in our lives on a daily basis to remain mentally and emotionally engaged.
Exercising your ability to connect with friends and creating more opportunities through new people will always add to your experiences and stretch your comfort zone for even bigger and more meaningful things to take place. You don’t necessarily need a huge demanding connection of people, but as long as you have a few healthy friendships out there and the desire to connect every once in a while, that should be more than enough.
Because conversely, when it comes to existing relationships, loneliness can reinforce Oneitis by convincing you that since The One you’re with is all or one of the very few people you already have, then you have to put up with her shit or else you’ll be “even more lonely”. You’ll have to excuse her negative attitude and hissy fits so you don’t end up by yourself (scarcity mindset), to which she’ll notice and most likely exploit for her own benefit and more tantrums.
When it comes to meeting new women, loneliness is always going to reflect in your initial interactions as you try to showcase your character positively.
After all, your daily body language, tone, thoughts, and vibes are all determined by how you’ve been already feeling and acting, so not fulfilling your social needs as a human being for a long period of time will show in your interactions, and it’s going to absolutely suck.
Prevent yourself from depending too much on a woman emotionally and mentally by having other meaningful outlets, connections, and engaging activities to take place with other people, your bros included. Never lose your bros for relationships.
Even if she doesn’t like you for being too busy for her, she’ll most definitely respect you for it.
3. Get On Your Purpose
The number one pursuit all men must always be striving for is their own purpose.
Not women. Not relationships. Not sex. Just Purpose.
We as men need a sense of direction in life and something always to work on to feel fulfilled and to improve our confidence. When we work towards our goals, sharpen our skills, and dedicate time and effort to our craft, we authentically project value to ourselves and those around us.
Having said that, when it comes to relationships, women find men who are on their purpose extremely attractive; they instinctively see the confidence and value these hardworking men exude, and therefore naturally want to be a part of these men’s lives.
But pursuing women, on the other hand, displays a certain degree of neediness and weakness that will always turn them off.
That is another reason why the resulting mindset of Oneitis will never give you the kind of relationships and women you want; this mindset will always push towards pursuing a woman for false fulfillment instead of your own mission for self-fulfillment.
“Women will never appreciate a relationship that is a Man’s greatest ambition.”
Rollo Tomassi
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