I’m guessing you’re here after realizing you’ve been in a cold long drought that has been void of dating options.
Maybe you are having some dating experiences here and there, but they’ve sucked so bad to the point where you’ve started wondering why you can’t get a girlfriend or a quality partner whom you can finally share your life with.
Everyone has a different set of reasons as to why they’re not getting the results they want due to their unique experiences, personalities, upbringings, culture, and so on.
But since I’ve been asked the same question so many times, I’ve compiled a list of the most common reasons that could be holding you back from the kind of relationships you’re aiming for — whether they were for spinning plates or having a serious monogamous relationship, the same answers rules apply to a certain extent.
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Why You Can’t Get a Girlfriend
1. You Don’t Invest in Your Looks
Physical appearance is obviously a huge factor in attraction, and it’s a factor that kicks things off immediately and boosts your progress in your interactions with women. That’s if you got it.
Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of things you can do about your physique.
If you’re short, you can’t change that.
If your face isn’t the best thing to look at, then clearly physical appearance won’t be your strongest attribute.
It’s not easy to change how you look, but what so many men do is surrender to the fact that they’re just unappealing physically; they blame it on genetics, health, and sometimes even their parents, and then they tell themselves, “yes, this is exactly why I can’t get a girlfriend. It’s because I’m ugly and short”
But little do they know that there’s always that one little thing you can do to improve your physique, even it’s just a tiny bit of change. And once these little changes compound, they make a huge difference after a while.
Not only that, but when these minor refinements come along with the other non-physical factors that you can really change and do something about, you’re going to improve your confidence and self-esteem, which is going to add to your appeal and make you “look” even better, and that will then push you to want to improve even more.
It’s a healthy self-development cycle that needs a little proactivity on your part to get it going.
However, if you surrender to your current unappealing state — or if you’re so insecure about your looks to where you see that there’s just no point in trying, then it will always reflect in your interactions with women.
And it’s absolutely useless to worry about something that you have no control over; you’ll only block yourself from all of your dating opportunities prematurely.
So if you’re ugly and fat, then be ugly and fit.
Might sound a little ridiculous and shallow, but realistically speaking, if you’re considered a 3/10 to women who can only find 1/10 and 2/10 girls to date, you can still change your circumstances to become a 6/10 man who has access to 5/10 women, and that’s not even taking into account the other non-physical factors that you can work on to raise you higher on the SMV scale.
Everything you improve on makes a difference.
Be it your body, how you dress, your hairstyle, or your grooming; changes always compound, so take the time to work on what makes you look better, no matter how silly/small/insignificant they may be.
2. You’re Broke
There are so many successful men out there who are ugly as hell but still manage to get the most attractive women. And I’m talking dime pieces.
Of course, you most people look at these beautiful women with ugly men and say, “well these women you’re talking about are gold diggers” or “these girls are with him just for the money.”
But that’s BS.
Such extremely common responses are our naive reasoning for why we can’t get the kind of women we want. When we can blame it on the women being gold diggers, we can somehow feel better about ourselves.
And that gets us nowhere, we’re still not being practical and we’re still not rich.
Sure, there are gold diggers out there who are all about the money, but the thing with rich and successful men is that because of the accomplishments that made them rich, they are able to bring other qualities to the table.
Qualities such as strong character and high status are two of the powerful attributes that result from being the rich, focused, and driven man on a mission.
And girls find such qualities incredibly attractive.
But it’s not because they’re gold diggers; it’s because they are instinctively attracted to men who have a competitive edge and are able to provide, and this is how intergender dynamics played out for hundreds of thousands of years.
Competent men who offer value get all the ladies.
It’s a harsh truth for some, but women aren’t attracted to potential, struggle, goodwill, or extreme kindness; they just want the finished product — the winner.
The sooner we as men understand and internalize that, the easier it is to become high-quality men with high-quality girlfriends.
3. You Aren’t Confident
Your attitude and confidence are going to be crucial to getting a girlfriend or even a rotation of girls going, and not everyone understands that, believe it or not.
Far too many guys actually believe that if you got the money and looks, then that’s it; you don’t even have to try.
And while this may work with low hanging fruit, it’s not going to be helpful when you’re looking for high-quality women who can actually add value to your life.
Because what potential great girlfriends are going to focus on immediately past your looks is your demeanor and how you present yourself to the world naturally.
If you have a great attitude, maintain an abundance mindset, and carry yourself as a confident masculine man, then you’re going to most likely maintain Frame, healthy boundaries, self-belief, and a positive mindset that will influence your interactions with women and lead them into your world.
But if you maintain a negative mindset or show signs of fear during those initial interactions, it’s going to turn off women as soon as they see you.
Remember: you are what you attract.
Your mindset will show in your body language and how you act around her and others within the first seconds, which means it’s going to take more than a couple of minutes of positive self pep talk to actually maintain an authentic positive self-image to reflect on those around you.
The Confidence Paradox
Authentic confidence is a tricky thing to understand and work on. Many assume that it just comes naturally while others think it’s something you have to keep working on, brute-force style.
The tricky part about confidence is that you still need some degree of success to back up the positive self-image you would like to have or already having.
You can’t be naturally confident all the time and every time without some positive experiences showing you that you “deserve” this level of healthy confidence you’re carrying. You can only deceive yourself for so long before the “real” you cracks open again.
When you already have had wonderful experiences with women before, then this will most likely be positive feedback for you going on to the next. Contrarily, if you have had really bad experiences, then you’re going to be hesitant about approaching and talking to women.
So it’s not going to always come naturally unless you’re a delusional narcissist.
This brings us to the next question: “well, what if I never had a lot of positive experiences? Am I stuck in this situation forever? Won’t I be able to get a girlfriend?”
Well, courage plays a huge role in creating new positive experiences, along with finding confidence in other domains; things that you know you can do best.
Confidence is feedback — a loop that keeps you going. Courage is the initiator.
To kick off a healthy mindset and attitude, you’re going to need to be courageous enough to have interactions with women while objectively re-evaluating how you can repeat your interactions better.
Once you find success in your approaches, conversations, and flirting with women, you will then have the courage to take on more risks and aim for higher success. It will even be a fun game for you.
Having said that, if you have to ask yourself, “why can’t I get a girlfriend?” then you’re already not confident enough in your experiences to find a partner.
So if you’re at this point, then it’s time to stop waiting for a more confident you to show up out of thin air, because it’s just not going to happen.
To get confidence, you’ll need the courage to change your current situation. You will have to face whatever it is that’s holding you back from finding women to talk to, be it social anxiety or fear of rejection.
Let your nuts hang and move forward. Don’t let the past influence your future, and then a more confident you will emerge.
4. You’re the Nice Guy Who Finishes Last, If At All
What Nice Guys who finish last don’t understand is that women don’t actually like being with selfless men who are too selfless with their time, patience, and resources.
Of course, women say they do appreciate a white knight who’s willing to do all he can to make them happy no matter what, but that’s only because it’s what the Western society has taught them through these romantic novels and Disney movies.
In reality, these ladies say they are thankful for Nice Guys who treat them like they’re the best thing to ever walk this earth, yet guiltily end up discarding the poor fellas for someone else who is just… less selfless, let’s say.
You never see a high-quality woman talking about how hot a nice guy is. Girls are always turned on by more competent and sometimes even brutal qualities, whether we like it or not.
Nice Guys finish last because they’re naive. They don’t put themselves first or think highly of themselves, and that’s why they resort to white knighting and being “just friends” with the women they like, to play it safe instead of being bold and going after what they want.
Obviously, women sense these fake interactions with hidden agendas and instead keep these so-called friends as Beta Orbiters for free attention and validation.
Women also don’t truly respect men who don’t value themselves enough to want to honestly pursue what they want.
And why would they? Why would a woman get attracted to a timid man who has to shy away from the fear of loss or rejection? After all, it’s in a woman’s nature and instinct to seek the most confident man she can get to provide security for a potential family.
If you’re one of these Nice Guys who can’t get a girlfriend because of how nice you are, then it’s time for you to start putting yourself first and adopt the right mindset. Here’s an article I’ve written to help you with that.
5. You Don’t Take the Necessary Actions to Get a Girlfriend
If you’ve been waiting for a long time for that one awesome girlfriend to suddenly show up in your life when you’ve stayed the same exact person all along, then chances are you’re still going to wait for a lot more.
And a lot of men make that same mistake — the mistake of being passive. They wait for things to happen to them, great companionship being one of them.
But good things don’t come to those who wait. Good things happen to those who make it happen.
If you’re not having your desired results with women, instead of asking yourself, “why can’t I get a girlfriend?” ask yourself these instead:
– Am I approaching women? Or am I just waiting for them to fall on my doorstep?
– Am I putting myself in positions or situations where interactions with women are possible?
– Am I growing as a person and developing the right mindset to attract people in general?
Self-reflection is important to get you anywhere further than your current position, but more importantly, it’s being honest with yourself that’s going to help you know where you need to start.
Because we all tend to make excuses for why we’re not where we want to be, especially when it comes to dating.
You can’t expect a 9 or a 10 to show up when you’re a 4 or a 5. You have to develop your conditions to become the kind of man who gets those 9’s and 10’s; you have to get your body, money, and mindset right to attract the kind of women you’re looking for.
You have to be in a state where you’re doing so well consistently in life to the point where women easily notice you, so being with them becomes naturally easy and effortless.
So don’t point n sputter. Don’t excuse your bad habits or behaviors. Don’t blame women for not being too nice/naughty/friendly/easy/hard.
Put in the work and the results will come.
| How to Get More Dates: Eharmony
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6. You Don’t Understand How Women Work
Most of us don’t have a clue about how intergender dynamics work, especially in the Western world.
In a time when masculinity is being consistently dumped on and ridiculed for even existing, it could be hard for you to just be the kind of man women have been attracted to for hundreds of thousands of years.
It’s not easy to just be a man who’s willing to act for his own best interest in such a gynocentric society. From such a young age, you’ve most likely have been programmed to serve and pedestalize instead of growing into an example to follow.
And that’s why most men just don’t get it.
They don’t get that having a peasant mind and serving the feminine imperative just doesn’t help you get a girlfriend who’s willing to stick around for who you are.
Because firstly, you’re not allowed to be who you are. Not unless you’re being a yes man to women.
Secondly, even if you do become an independent masculine man, you’ll be tested and grilled consistently by any potential partner since how you present yourself would not be the norm.
Truth is: if you understand how women work, you’ll be able to rise above this Western mess and act and think “selfishly” to serve your best interest, which will in return help you become an extremely competent an attractive man — the kind that women today crave and simp boys hate.
To understand how intergender dynamics actually work without any filters, I highly recommend reading the book, “The Rational Male” by Rollo Tomassi. It’s an enlightening book that will lay out all the dynamics at play — what mistakes that you could be making that’s considered “right” in this society yet prevents you from getting and keeping a great girlfriend (or rotation of girls).
I’ve written a more in-depth review of the book here.
7. You Don’t Know How to Be Alone
If you have to ask yourself, “why can’t I get a girlfriend?” then you’re already carrying a scarcity mindset that will set you up for failure, even if you do find a girlfriend. Here’s why:
The most successful men who have satisfying relationships already know how to be alone and don’t depend on anyone else for providing happiness in life. Therefore, they don’t ask themselves, “why can’t I get a girlfriend?”
The question doesn’t pop up to them because they don’t need companions; there are other things that are always going to be more valuable and rewarding things to focus on besides relationships anyways, such as self-development, career goals, and great male friends.
Because even when men carrying scarcity mindsets do manage to find partners, they often either lose them pretty quickly or live a miserable and draining life at home being enslaved by those so-called partners. These men get disrespected regularly, get taken advantage of, and cheated on.
This codependency and not being able to live alone robs you of the ability to keep healthy boundaries and self-respect in relationships. The inability to be alone tells you that since life really sucks without a girlfriend, you have to compromise and stay put to keep the relationship going.
With an abundance mindset and a drive towards success to match it, on the other hand, you’re going to not only just get a girlfriend, but you’re also going to put yourself in a situation where you can get the right partner to complement your already well-established lifestyle.
8. You Don’t Have Social Proof
Social proof is another major factor in attraction.
Unlike women, we men don’t care that much if the girls we want to be with have friends. It doesn’t matter how many friends she has and what kind of friends they are, as long as they’re not toxic and horrible people.
Women, on the other hand, will evaluate your social life and base part of their attraction upon the result. If you’re an outgoing guy who is liked by many, especially women, then it’s going to influence how she sees you. And if you’re a lonely guy who doesn’t know how to talk to people or make friends, she’ll be dismissive of you, even if you’re doing well in other domains of life.
You don’t have to have a lot of friends, but a tight circle of friends that you can do things with is all you need, and the more in terms of quality the better.
So if you’re wondering, “why can’t I get a girlfriend?” when you don’t have anyone to hang out with, then a relationship is actually the last thing that you should worry about.
Because even if you do manage to get a girlfriend, you will be very dependent on her for everything since you don’t have anyone else. This reliance will come across as needy and clingy, qualities that will kill your relationship and put you back into a lonely and miserable life again.
9. You Don’t Lead an Interesting Life
As Rollo Tomassi once said: women want to be part of your life, not the sole purpose or focus of it.
If you have a busy and purposeful life, the right woman will want to be part of it. If you have no life, no woman will want to be the focus of it.
Girls appreciate men who know how to have fun and enjoy themselves; to them, it’s contagious being with positive men who already know how to enjoy themselves through self-amusement and an active lifestyle.
Not only will having an active lifestyle important for attraction, but it also helps you maintain an upbeat attitude and mindset in your daily life and attracts like-minded people, more women included.
So, for example, if your life is all about work and Netflix, then you don’t give yourself the chance to grow as a person; you don’t get the different experiences that give you more opportunities, insights, and self-fulfillment. Instead, you just become that boring guy who doesn’t have much to offer but work and series talks.
If you lack that hobby or side hustle, it’s better if you do take the time to explore your options because it will develop skills and mindsets that would give you a certain unique edge, which will reflect in your interactions with people — they will get intrigued by you and even want to listen to you talk about your craft or passion.
Travel, experiment, try new things, and you’ll find memorable experiences to go through and share.
Small Consistent Steps for Big Permanent Changes
The most important thing to consider is that you shouldn’t aim to cover every domain in life quickly to find a good relationship.
Becoming the right person and consequently finding the right girlfriend isn’t a race; it takes time for you to figure out what you need to work and focus on and filter out the habits and mindsets that weigh you down.
Authentic growth and development come when they’re about you and only you. Real improvement takes place when it’s consistent, slow, and steady.
So avoid asking yourself why you can’t get a girlfriend; instead, as yourself how can you become one step closer to the person you’ve always dreamed of being.
And one day as you get closer, the right person(s) will find you.